At the Edge of the World
by Yorik
Summary: The story of Nadeshiko and Fujitaka - It's like I'm standing at the edge of the world, willing myself not to jump. slightly AU
1. Author's note

**Author's Note**

* * *

Hello, everyone!

**I have started editing the content in this story published prior to 2012**, and have even added in a few new chapters. Writing this has been a learning experience for me - I almost feel as if I am growing along with these characters.

At present there are approximately 40 chapters up - but don't feel daunted - **most of this story is in the form of ****vignettes, and chapters are therefore not very long.** I felt that it was better to structure this story by viewpoint rather than by event because it gives more insight into the characters.

**This story is as much about Nadeshiko and Sonomi as it is about Nadeshiko and Fujitaka.** It is for this reason that I am moving the plot along fairly slowly - because although Hollywood would have us believe otherwise, one does not simply elope with their teacher. It's a difficult thing that affects a lot of people, and I wanted to show how close bonds can disintegrate under pressure.

I also admit that it is not exactly canon - I have taken a few creative liberties - but that being said,I hope that you will enjoy reading this melodramatic sobfest as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

Thank you!


	2. Sonomi

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter One - Sonomi**

* * *

"No," says Kinomoto-sensei firmly. He has his best teacher-glare set straight at me and I feel my heart skip a beat.

"Why?" I ask, knowing all too well why not.

"Amamiya-san," he says, very polite and business-like (in spite of the fact that his voice is tinged with frustration), "we are _not_ changing the play's cast. Not with only a month of rehearsals left."

"But-"

He quirks an eyebrow. He is irritated; I know it. I fight back a blush as my mind scrambles to find the right words to counter his (because I'm sure there's an argument in there _somewhere_); but instead I am overwhelmed by the look in his eye. _Stop staring. Look at something else._ I focus my attentions on a small potted cactus on the windowsill.

"You will be amazing," he suddenly says, interrupting the tense silence that follows. He smiles gently, as if he understands. His eyes are soft behind his too-large glasses, his posture sympathetic.

All I can do is sigh. There's no way he could possibly know how it feels to be repeatedly cornered by Sagawa Routaro during rehearsals; all roaming hands and groping fingers, who does everything shy of rape me.

Okay, perhaps that's an exaggeration.

But I swear that yesterday his hand brushed my breasts on purpose. Which is why I punched him.

Kinomoto-Sensei is as calm as ever, the corner of his mouth pulled into a lopsided smile. The late afternoon sun catches the highlights in his honey-brown hair, disheveled by a cross-breeze between two open windows. I notice that he has a dimple in his right cheek.

I turn away feeling rather flustered, praying that he has not noticed the dull, warming flush rising on my face._ I knew it was stupid; I knew I was overreacting; I knew he'd say 'no' and think I was crazy and hypersensitive and-_

"Amamiya-san?"

I pause and look up inquiringly.

"He just has a crush on you. Be patient, and pity the boy a little."

"S-sensei!" I say, abashed.

From within the bowels of the third-floor stairwell, I hear my cousin shout my name like a sing-song game.

"Sonoooomiiiiii! SONOMI!"

I cringe despite myself.

Kinomoto-sensei only chuckles, and sends me on my way.


	3. Nadeshiko

**At the Edge of the World**

**Disclaimer:** CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter two - Nadeshiko

* * *

It usually takes Sonomi _ten thousand years_ to drag herself away from school, so this time I decide not to wait and run up the stairs two-at-a-time, calling her name.

"_Sonooomiii!_ SONOMI!" I sing, skipping a little. I can't stop myself from stumbling over the fifth step and have to grab the banister doublequick.

"Hee hee," I say stupidly, an equally stupid grin on my face. I'm not usually like this - It's just that today has been such a _lovely_ day, what with chemistry being cancelled and my friend Senuri getting a love letter from the boy in the next class. I feel positively giddy with happiness. I decide that I am going to use my good mood to irritate Sonomi beyond reasonable comprehension.

_"Sonooooomiiiiii!"_ I trill, and vaguely register the fact that I sound like an intoxicated opera singer.

Sonomi's face suddenly sticks out over the banister and she is very red and looks very angry.

_"Shut. Up!"_ She hisses.

I sigh. "Hurry, Sonomi!" I call. "Dinner is sukiyaki!"

Sonomi snorts irritably and whips her thin braid behind her shoulder as she pulls back. I don't know why she's acting this way – it's _her_ favourite meal, after all. I sit on the steps, feeling bored and hungry. All around me are the sounds of students running and laughing, excited by the prospect of going home; but all I can think of is dinner. _Mmmm._ _Dinner._ I hope it's a beef-pot - sukiyaki tastes best on cold days. We haven't had it in months because Grandfather prefers western food. He says things like, 'for the discerning palette' and often talks about the 'distinctive tone of the meat'; but in all honesty I'm usually too preoccupied with stuffing my face to notice such things.

I start to hum 'Greensleeves', tapping my knee in time to the tune as Sonomi's voice fades in to my consciousness.

"Goodbye, Sensei," I hear her say.

"Aa," says a voice that sounds like a smile. "Goodbye, Amamiya-san."

When she comes down the stairs to my level her face is marred by a black scowl.

"Eh, Sonomi? What's the matter?"

"You idiot. Just forget it."

"Why won't you tell me?"

"Leave it,_ baka!_"

I stick my tongue out. "Bleh. You're probably PMSing."

"I AM NOT!"

"Sure," I grin, stepping well away from her strong and practiced punching arm.

"You don't know anything!" shouts Sonomi.

"PMS, PMS!" I start to sing again, and run far ahead so that she has to chase me.

* * *

"Hey, Nadeshiko," says Sonomi suddenly, "do you have any classes with Kinomoto-Sensei?"

"Eh? No."

It is late in the evening and we are in the process of doing our homework. Or rather, Sonomi is working and I am writing a letter to Grandfather, as I do every week. Sonomi does not write to him.

I mull over Sonomi's question, tapping my chin with my pencil. I wonder what Kinomoto-sensei teaches, or if I've even looked at him properly before. I don't recall his face.

"Why do you ask, Sonomi?"

"Hmm. Just wondering. He's in charge of the drama this year."

"Oh? Is he nice?"

She nods slowly before giving a noncommittal shrug. "Aa. I suppose."

I stop writing and turn to her, drawing one leg up beneath me on my chair. "Is he very strict?"

Sonomi has made a habit of not getting along with the school's drama club teachers. Apparently they are always more 'aggressive than authoritative', and are trying to 'crush her creative spirit'. She is such a fighter. Sometimes I wish she weren't so argumentative. Last year she reduced Yamaguchi-sensei to tears.

"No. He's very good. He's not too pushy, listens to my suggestions, and gives credit where credit is due."

I feel relief and can't help but smile, glad that Sonomi has one less reason (excuse?) to squabble. Thank God for small mercies.

* * *

At ten-thirty, after we've turned out the lights and crawled into our beds, I find myself dreaming of my father. He is seated at his desk, as always, mulling over paperwork.

"Father," I say, walking towards him. He does not speak, but instead looks up at me and his eyes are green and piercing and then he opens his mouth to say something but he is cut off by the sound of an alarm.

It is then that I wake up and realize I haven't heard my father's voice in half a year.


	4. Sonomi II

**At the Edge of the World**

**Disclaimer:** CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter three - Sonomi

* * *

The sky is overcast as I make my way over to the assembly hall where we are holding rehearsals. The budding leaves are spring-green and we are looking forward to sakura season. Kinomoto-sensei is already there, wearing a blue shirt rolled up at the sleeves and gray slacks. He is staring at the stage, seemingly deep in thought.

"Good afternoon, Kinomoto-Sensei," I say.

"Ah? Oh, hello, Amamiya-san," he smiles warmly, snapping out of his reverie.

"Are you thinking about the production, Sir?"

He nods. "I am. Perhaps you could help me?"

I look away in a futile attempt to calm my squirming gut. I don't understand why I am so pleased. Perhaps it's because he's been the first teacher to ask for my opinion? It's refreshing that he seeks my approval (and that probably explains why my face feels so warm).

And this peculiar sensation, akin to discomfort – either it's this morning's omurice or (_obviously_) the great respect I have for him. I mean, I know he's barely graduated from being a student teacher, but I still feel he is very admirable. He is the only teacher who has never managed to irritate me. That's right. It's only admiration; nothing more (not even omurice).

"What do you have in mind?" I hear myself ask.

"Well," he says slowly, "I was thinking that the parade of souls could actually weave _around_ the heroine, as opposed to traveling alongside her."

I pretend to mull this over. "It_ would_ be a better reflection of the chaos," I concede. Really, I don't dispute any of his decisions. There's no point in him asking for my opinion at all. "But where would this 'parade' come from?"

"Ah, I considered asking some of the dance club students to help out - so that the souls dance as they weave around her."

I can't help but smile. "You're full of great ideas today, Sensei."

He chuckles sheepishly, one hand rubbing the back of his neck, the other brushing his fringe away from his face. "You're too kind, Amamiya-san."

Sagawa picks that moment to turn up and makes a crowd. It takes all my willpower not to punch him again. I can tell he is confused - he hasn't even spoken to me yet. But I just can't help it. Kinomoto-Sensei and I were getting along so well, too. Bah!

The rest of the rehearsal goes smoothly. Halfway through someone orders pizza, so we all stop for a snack. Manami has brought sweets for us to share; I take an extra one to give Nadeshiko because she has a notorious sweet tooth. She is presently with the art club, working on our props. I glance at my watch and estimate her time of arrival at 30 minutes. I wonder what she'll be singing today.

Nadeshiko pretty much comes with her own manual – she is a creature of habit and is therefore extremely easy to read. A good example of this is in her choice of songs, the genre of which changes on a regular basis following the weekly broadcast of _Music Matters_ on T.V. This has been the week of show tunes. Last week she was humming entire sonatas (and not entirely accurately, might I add). In all honesty she has a beautiful voice but I don't think I've ever told her that; I don't know why. Perhaps it's because whenever I do, she does something irritating and I forget.

(Well, she can sing anything and at anytime… So long as it isn't a chant of "PMS, PMS!" That girl really knows how to get my goat.)

Sure enough, Nadeshiko pops her head around the door just as the last person is leaving the auditorium.

"Sonomi!"

Kinomoto-sensei has waited behind to go over tomorrow's itinerary with me. He looks up, a little startled, when Nadeshiko walks in.

"Oh!" she says, and has the decency to look abashed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you."

I grin at her. "Don't worry, _Nacchan_. We're pretty much finished here, aren't we, Sensei?"

She grins back, half apologetically, half relieved.

"This is my cousin, Amamiya Nadeshiko," I say by way of introduction, and Kinomoto-sensei rises to greet her.

"Good evening, Sir," she says, and her thick braid falls over her shoulder as she bows.

"Good evening," he says, smiling as usual.

"Nadeshiko's helping out with the props," I explain. "She's in the art club."

"Oh, is that so? Well, thank you very much, Amamiya-san."

"It's nothing," smiles Nadeshiko. "Anyway, if I don't Sonomi assures me that there will be consequences!"

"HEY!"

"Aa, I take it you saw poor Sagawa-kun's black eye?"

"I did," sighs Nadeshiko, cradling her cheek in mock-sadness. "Such a sad thing."

"I'm right here, y'know!" I grumble. Really, it's not as if I were the devil or something.

Kinomoto-sensei smiles again and I feel an odd, swooping sensation in the pit of my stomach that I can't explain. "You're quite brilliant, Amamiya-san," he says to me. "And if you weren't such a tyrant our production wouldn't even be half as successful."

"_Yare, yare_. So now I'm a tyrant?" I sigh theatrically, and he and Nadeshiko laugh. "Come on, _Nacchan_ - let's go before Kinomoto-sensei starts comparing me to Hitler."

Nadeshiko and I wave goodbye and set off down the street.

"I like him," she decides, and I can't help but agree.


	5. Nadeshiko II

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter four - Nadeshiko

* * *

When Wednesday arrives it is wet and cold and everyone huddles inside their classrooms. There is a promise of a storm on the horizon. As I watch the clouds, grey and swollen in the distance, I find myself thinking back to Monday afternoon. In the three days that have passed since our meeting, I decide that I like Kinomoto-sensei, despite not knowing him. There is an ease about him that lures you and claims your attention. You find yourself becoming comfortable in his presence; smiles come more readily; conversation flows more naturally. You find yourself being drawn in by his eyes. However what I found most intriguing was that he has a voice that smiles. Peoples' voices don't usually do that.

As lunch-break ends, Sonomi and I make plans to grab ice cream after school. The wind is chilly and the air is damp, but it is _still_ an ice-cream sort of day. Sonomi walks away to class and I don't because I have a free period; one that I really don't feel like wasting in the library (because there is a time and a place for homework and this is not it). Before I know it I'm walking aimlessly towards the sinks by the football field and unconsciously choose this place to pause and ruminate a little about life.

There are so many things unsaid, I realize. Questions upon questions, puzzles upon puzzles; and I don't have the courage to ask: who, what, why? and in my cowardice they pile atop one another until I feel the the load grow steadily in weight.

Some questions aren't heavy. An example of such a question would be: why does time run faster when you're having fun? Who first decided that they should open their mouths and make odd, warbling noises from it, and that it be called singing? Why does music make you float sometimes, and take you to another place?

Then there are also heavy questions, like: _Do you miss me_, or, _why are you so angry_, and, _why did you die?_

I have a lot of questions, but no one to answer them.

Sonomi is my favourite person in the world, but there are some things she just doesn't seem to understand. Subtle things; barely-tangible, half-there things. It makes me feel a little lonely. I decide that I miss my parents more than I care to admit - though I really have no right to be miserable - Sonomi's family has taken me in, no questions asked; they care for me as if I were one of their own. I am a horrible, selfish person, and realize with a sinking feeling that I cannot change the fact.

My feet start moving again, though my mind is elsewhere; as if they have been completely disconnected from the part of my brain in charge of coherent and deliberate thought. I soon find myself walking through deserted corridors. My footsteps echo and I decide that they sound lonely. I also decide that I am melodramatic and a masochist because there is something incredibly beautiful and sad about echoing, lonely footsteps. I am a romantic at heart, I think, somewhat frustrated, because it is more of a hindrance than anything else (and I really don't see myself pursuing a career as a romantic novelist).

Before long I find an empty classroom and I sit on one of the desks by the window overlooking the track field. Because it is afternoon and the sun's glare is far too strong, there is no one outside. I squint up at the sky, grey and irate, and decide that the clouds are as grumpy as I am, swirling in angry eddies above our heads. Then I think of Sonomi and wish I could soothe her and give her peace; but I know in my heart of hearts that one is only capable of doing that for oneself.

It's just a matter of being satisfied with what you have.

Isn't it?

I cannot stop myself from sighing and shift my weight to my arms, somewhat disgusted that I am enjoying this bout of solitary brooding. All of a sudden someone calls out my name and I practically jump out of my skin.

"Amamiya-san?"

I almost fall off the desk in surprise but manage to regain my composure. I slide off hurriedly and find that it is Kinomoto-sensei, looking very tired and very worried and holding a stack of test papers.

"Kinomoto-sensei," I say with a bow, as is customary. I feel a little strange doing it, because he is so young. It's almost like bowing to another student. I mean, he looks older than a student, but still younger than a teacher. Normally teachers are around forty and balding and are never, ever satisfied with your homework.

"Is anything the matter?" he asks, brow furrowed.

"Oh!" I can't help but be embarrassed. "No, no, not at all," I say, waving my hands dismissively.

He continues to frown. He then walks through the door and places his test papers on the teacher's desk, which he leans against.

"Really, Kinomoto-Sensei! I'm fine."

"So you seem to keep insisting."

He doesn't move.

"Umm…please don't feel obliged to stay."

He looks at me amusedly. "Why, thank you, Amamiya-san! But I must admit that I am somewhat entitled to be here - not that I don't feel obliged to lend a sympathetic ear, of course."

I blink twice and give his words a chance to register in my brain. They don't.

"Huh?"

"What I mean is that this is _my classroom,_" he says seriously, gesturing with a wide wave of his arm, "…and that I am going to sit right_ here,_" he moves towards the chair, "…at _my desk._"

"Oh," I say stupidly. I am rigid with shame, and in a momentary flash of panic consider throwing myself out of the window. I opt to bow instead. "Forgive me. I'm an idiot."

I am bent over; staring at my shoes for an awkward eight seconds before he laughs and all tension is magically alleviated. _How did he do that?_

"Don't worry about it. But are you sure _you_ don't mind?" he teases. "Am I _intruding?_"

"Kinomoto-sensei!" I exclaim, mortified.

He laughs again and I find myself captivated by the sound. My face burns and I feel extremely confused. I decide that Kinomoto-sensei is definitely a few cards short of a deck. He starts to giggle. Yup. He's a weirdo, all right.

"Sonomi's right. You're very different from the other teachers."

"I'll take that as a compliment," he says, smiling. Silence settles and it is a little discomforting. Then, "would you care to help me?"

"Oh," I say awkwardly. Well, I have nothing better to do anyway. "Sure. What can I do?"

"If you could just re-staple the ones I finish marking…"

"Why remove the staples at all, sir?" I am a little surprised at myself for questioning a teacher. It is quite uncharacteristic of me.

Kinomoto-sensei seems to think nothing of it. He shrugs. "Habit, I suppose."

"Habit," I repeat.

We settle into a comfortable routine. The cool grey sky throws harsh light across the classroom. I watch Kinomoto-sensei from beneath my eyelashes as he repeatedly and rhythmically removes staples and corrects his tests. Neither of us speaks for a long time; the only sound to be heard is the scratching of his pen.

"So are you coming to watch the school play, Amamiya-san?" he asks conversationally.

I nod. "Of course! Sonomi directed it!"

"Ah, yes. She's quite brilliant. And so…so…"

"Crazy?"

"I was going to say 'energetic'."

We laugh. He smiles.

"Both of you seem very close."

"Yup!" I say, arranging the latest addition to the pile of test papers. "She's my cousin, but we're really more like sisters. She gets really angry at me because I can be so silly sometimes, but I know she doesn't mean half the things she says. I've been living with her ever since my-"

I catch myself and stop.

I can't bring myself to say the words because then it makes it all so _real_. Kinomoto-sensei looks at me, and though I know he is concerned he is not obvious about it. Silence settles between us again, interrupted only by the scratching of his pen against paper and the stapler in my hands.

"You know," he says slowly, "it's okay to be confused."

I don't look at him. I don't answer.

"Everyone gets confused to the point where it overwhelms them. Sometimes you can't find words to express exactly how confused you are."

"I…it's just…"

"You don't have to say anything, Amamiya-san," he says, and when I look up I find myself looking into his eyes and he is smiling kindly. I decide I like his eyes, which are soft and kind like his smile. They are brown like mahogany. His gaze is very sincere and full of truth and understanding and I don't know whether to be embarrassed or happy or displeased or all three at once.

Silence settles again, though this time it is not uncomfortable.

"I can't even make out the questions in my head, Sensei," I say finally, and wonder why I can't raise my voice above a whisper. I don't even know why I'm telling him this. I don't know the man, and yet…

"Hmm. I understand." he says. Then, after a pause of a few seconds, he speaks again. "I have found that, when I myself am in such a situation, the best thing to do is to stop trying to make sense of it at all."

"But Sensei," I almost cry, "that's practically impossible!" I can no longer keep the emotion out of my voice. I feel extremely frustrated and embarrassed to have exposed myself like this. Why him? Why now? It feels like whatever dignity I've had left in me has keeled over and died.

"Not impossible. Difficult, maybe; arduous, even: but not impossible. It's just a matter of identifying what makes sense already, and being thankful for what little you have. I don't think we can ever find answers to every question we wish to hear resolved. So sometimes, the easiest thing is, very simply put, to stop asking questions at all."

"They're important questions, though."

"Hmm," he says contemplatively, "in that case, wouldn't it be easier to rest when you're tired, and then come back to them when you're ready? Besides," he continues, "I've always found that it's only after I've stopped searching for answers that they fall readily into my lap." He rubs his chin thoughtfully. "I think Thoreau said something similar, but with a much better metaphor…"

"I suppose," I concede. "I'm sorry, Kinomoto-sensei," I say, abashed, "about burdening you like this."

"It's alright," he says; his eyes and his voice and his mouth are smiling again, and I feel a strange shift in my gut that I can't quite explain. "What kind of teacher would I be if you couldn't approach me like this?"

I can't help but smile appreciatively. I think this is the first time I have ever lost control of my emotions, and someone has simply accepted it. It is refreshing. My mind feels a little clearer. "Thank you, Kinomoto-sensei."

"I'll be around if you ever feel overwhelmed and need to get away, Amamiya-san. Don't hesitate to find me."

The bell rings.

"I won't," I say, rising to my feet.

"See you around, Amamiya san," he says.

I bow, and then I leave.


	6. Sonomi III

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Five - Sonomi**

* * *

I don't have mother.

I was the result of a fling between my father and one of the maids, who died during childbirth.

I was born out of wedlock in the sitting room of my maternal grandmother on the third of March at four twenty-five a.m.

What is the feminine of 'bastard'?

* * *

The clock strikes three and it is a blustery Friday afternoon .

"Oy, Sonomi-chan?"

"Yes?" I say, turning my head halfway.

The owner of the voice is Sagawa Routaro. I feel my face contort into a scowl.

"Oh. It's you. What do you want?"

I vaguely realise I haven't spoken to him directly in three weeks.

"Well, Sonomi-chan…"

"Don't call me Sonomi!" *

"Sheesh!" He exclaims, taken aback, and I feel a little embarrassed. "Fine, then, Amamiya-_dono_."

I roll my eyes at his sarcasm. "What do you want, Sagawa?"

His gaze drops to his feet and he shuffles awkwardly. "I know this may seem strange," he says hesitantly, "but I was wondering if your cousin had a boyfriend."

I feel all the muscles in my shoulders and neck tighten. I clench my fists.

"_Excuse_ me?"

"I'm just asking!" he says hastily, taking a step back. "What's your problem anyway?"

"_My_ problem?" I snarl dangerously. "What's **_my _****problem?"**

"Wow, back off, Amamiya!"

"YOU STAY **AWAY** FROM NADESHIKO!" I am shouting; I can't help myself. How dare he. How _dare_ he!

"Sheesh! Alright, alright! I'll stay the hell away from YOU, anyway, that's for sure!"

I don't bother watching him run away. I collapse onto the grass and realise that I am exhausted. I feel like crying.

But why?


	7. Nadeshiko III

**At the Edge of the World**

**Disclaimer:** CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter six - Nadeshiko

* * *

It is the day of the play and Sonomi is angry.

Someone has ripped a hole in one of the backdrops in a despairingly obvious way. She screams and screams and the entire cast cowers in fear.

"Sonomi," I say urgently, and grip her arm gently. "Sonomi, now is not the time to lose your head!"

"But it's _ruined_, Nadeshiko! Ruined! After all our hard work…!"

"It's alright," I say in an attempt to placate her, "I'll fix it. No one will notice."

"I worked so _hard_, Nacchan." says Sonomi on the verge of tears. "I really wanted this to be the best of the best."

"_Maa, maa_. It's only a piece of scenery. The real success of the play lies in its acting! In the creativity and strength of its director! Don't you worry, I'll make everything alright."

Sonomi pauses and looks at me and for a moment I realise that this is one of those rare moments in which we have reversed our usual roles; that_ she_ is vulnerable and scared and _I_ need to protect her. I give her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Leave it to me. Now go."

She smiles a watery smile and rushes off backstage. I hear her scold two of the stagehands for being useless. Can't help but giggle.

"Amamiya-san," says a voice, and I look up.

It is a boy dressed in black and he is holding a bouquet of flowers. I am a little confused but answer nonetheless.

"Yes?"

He bows very slightly and extends his hand. "My name is Sagawa Routaro."

"Oh, hello," I smile, a little perplexed, and shake the proffered appendage. I recognize him as the boy Sonomi punched in the face. "Can I help you with something?"

"Actually, I-"

"SAGAWA!"

He winces and, smiling apologetically, takes my hand in his.

"I'm sorry, I have to go. But I'll talk to you later?"

"Um... Sure?"

"Great!" he says, flashing his pearly whites. Then, in a gust of rose petals, he is gone. I am still confused.

I look up in time to see Kinomoto-sensei arrive, alarmingly late (the play begins in forty minutes! Sonomi will not be pleased) and catch his eye. He smiles as his eyes crinkle and waves benignly at me. I wave back and then set about looking for some tape to fix the ripped scenery.


	8. Sonomi IV

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

**Chapter Seven – Sonomi**

* * *

The play is about a boring office girl who discovers a beautiful, yet neglected grave. As she begins to tend to it, the spirit of the person it belongs to appears - it is a flashy, glamorous, former showgirl with an attitude to match. As the play progresses, the spirit tells the girl what she remembers of her mortal life, and together they try to piece together the mystery of how she died.

The play was a complete success. Everyone tells me that they can't believe it's only a high school production.

"…And how about that twist at the end, eh?"

"Yeah! I kept thinking the murderer was the makeup artist, but in reality, the showgirl commits suicide!"

"Amazing!"

I grin triumphantly as the audience files out of the hall. Everyone's faces look awe-struck and satisfied. I decide that this is one of the best possible career paths for me. Then I can direct plays for a professional troupe. Or maybe even direct a T.V drama! The possibilities are endless!

"Sonomi-chan!" calls Asano Hinata, who played the boring office girl, "are you coming to the cast party or what?"

"I'll be there in a minute!" I say, and rush inside to look for Nadeshiko. I'm in too good a mood to pass up a rare opportunity to cut loose.

* * *

The cast party is bigger than I expected it to be and held at Einosuke Orahara's house. Someone has obviously spiked the punch because I feel more lightheaded than I deem is safe. I scan the crowd for a familiar, comfortable face and find Kinomoto-sensei's - he is standing just outside the large, whitewashed French doors that lead into the yard. I stumble over to him and grin a little too widely.

"Hi, Kinomoto-sensei!"

"Hello, Amamiya-san. Enjoying the party?"

"Pssh," I say, waving a dismissive hand, "you can call me Sonomi."

His smile is a little weary, but I can't tell for sure. Maybe I imagined it? I notice I still have a paper cup filled with punch in my grasp so I take a big sip.

"I'm so happy," I confide in him, not really understanding why.

"Aa? I'm glad."

"Me too. There's usually so much pressure. I can't enjoy myself. My family expects a lot, you see, and also, I need to look out for Nade-_baka_."

I giggle to myself and take another sip of punch.

"Didn't she want to come?" asks Kinomoto-sensei.

"She did. She's somewhere… around. Oops!" I trip and crash face-first into Kinomoto-sensei, who stumbles a bit. I decide he smells very good and bury my face in his chest. "You smell so _good_, sensei!"

Kinomoto-sensei shakes his head and takes me over to one of the lawn chairs. He makes me sit down and disappears for a bit. When he comes back he has a glass of water in his hand.

"Have some of this," he says.

"Okay," I say, "but then I have to go find that idiot. You know I worry about her a lot. She doesn't think I notice, but I know she's very sad because her parents died six months ago in a fire and she still cries sometimes, when she thinks no-one can hear. But I'm her best friend _and_ her blood, so of _course_ I know these things. So I need to go find her and make it okay. You know, she's really great. Today she fixed the scenery. If it weren't for her I'd be very lonely. Do you get that way sometimes, Sensei? I really like that idiot but I forget to tell her because she can be very annoying too. Did you know that yesterday she spilt tea all over the bed linen? I was very angry-"

Kinomoto-sensei's expression is still concerned, and his smile is drooping. I realise that I am rambling, and that my words are slurred, but I can't help it. I try hard to stop and fail miserably. Kinomoto-sensei suddenly puts his hand on my head and ruffles my hair and looks at me with a funny look that could be sympathy, or…something else.

I decide that I like it when he touches me like this.

When I raise my eyes I see he is scanning the crowd but I don't know whom or what he is looking for.


	9. Nadeshiko IV

**At the Edge of the World**

**Disclaimer:** CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter eight - Nadeshiko

* * *

We retire to the drawing room, and Grandfather asks me to play the piano. He is especially fond of Chopin's _Nocturne in E flat_, and all those other dark, romantic pieces. I play Schuman's _Traumerei_, and it is like a dream. I float away to another world, and everything around me fades except the music I'm playing, the feel of the song and the keys beneath my fingers . I follow it up with Rachmaninoff's _Prelude in G minor_, playing a little more aggressively than is really necessary, but it adds to the overall effect and I know that Grandfather is pleased. Sonomi watches from the sofa. Her eyes are closed as if in sleep. My heart swells when I notice that she is smiling.

"Ah, Nadeshiko," says Grandfather, rising to his feet. His eyes have softened a little since dinner, and this is good because it means he won't be picking on Sonomi quite so much anymore. "That was wonderful."

"Thank you, Grandfather," I say, smiling as he pets my head gently.

"If you are able to become a master of music, I will have nothing to worry about when I am gone, knowing that you will be there to master this household."

This unsettles me. I see Sonomi sink further into the couch and she winces even though she's trying to feign sleep.

"Ah," I say a bit nervously, "Sonomi's much better at that sort of thing-"

Grandfather grunts noncommittally and ignores this.

An awkward silence settles between us all, so I begin to play the piano again.

Grandfather goes back to his chair and lights his pipe.

A nervous etude is the only thing that breaks the silence.

* * *

"Hey, Nadeshiko?"

We are lying in the same bed with the lights out. Sonomi's hand is warm and tight and clasping mine. It is raining outside and the storm is loud.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for sticking up for me."

I inch closer and take her in my arms. I don't say anything as she cries; I only stroke her hair and wish things were different.

I find myself waking some hours later, sitting upright in the darkness and still clasping Sonomi's hand, imagining that I can hear my mother, calling me.


	10. Sonomi V

**At the Edge of the World**

**Disclaimer:** CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter Nine - Sonomi

* * *

It has been a week since the play and Nadeshiko and I are walking to school. The sakura trees are just about ready to blossom, and she is very excited about going to the Tsukimine shrine to observe them. As we pass by the library we spy Kinomoto-sensei attempting to placate the librarian about a torn textbook cover. He smiles at us a little pathetically while the librarian's back is turned. I shrug sympathetically. Then I notice his eyes change and he isn't looking at me anymore. I follow his gaze to Nadeshiko, also conveying her silent sympathy; and my stomach inexplicably squirms and I feel sour for no plausible reason.

I spend the rest of the day savoring my bad mood. I snarl at Einosuke when he drops my science worksheet, I ignore my classmates, and only answer Nadeshiko in monosyllable. I feel a bit guilty that _I don't want to feel guilty_ because she is so concerned, her mind preoccupied with my wellbeing. My heart throbs achingly with love as she places a hand on my shoulder and I revel in its' comforting weight. It's not _her_ fault she's treated like the only Amamiya heir, and that I am ostracized. It not her fault that people like her better than they like me - it's only natural because she is beautiful and kind and amazing and I am just a grumpy she-bastard. I feel my heart twist a little and futilely try not to be so pathetic and petty and jealous.

But it's hard when she has everything I long for.

"Ne, Sonomi," she says, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I lie.

She doesn't voice her concerns again; she knows not to.

"Let's get some crepes after school," she says a little later. "We haven't had those in a while."

"Sure."

Overhead, the sky swirls angrily like its read my mind.


	11. Nadeshiko V

**At the Edge of the World**

**Disclaimer:** CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter Ten - Nadeshiko

* * *

"I have a piano recital on Friday," I tell Kinomoto-sensei one afternoon as he is correcting homework. We have been meeting like this every week for the past three weeks and it's something I've come to look forward to. It is quiet here on the third floor; nothing disturbs us. The calm sets my mind at ease and I know that there's no need to worry about anything, not even overdue assignments. It's like my sanctuary that no one can penetrate. It is the only secret I have ever kept from Sonomi and I don't know why.

"You play? That's nice."

"I'm a little nervous. Supposing I make a mistake?"

I am a little embarrassed that I can't keep the worry out of my voice.

Kinomoto-sensei looks up from his work and raises an eyebrow, his mouth twisting upwards a little sardonically. "Has that ever happened to you before?" he asks.

"Once," I reply, "when I was twelve."

"I find that difficult to imagine."

"Oh, I'm terribly careless."

"Now_ that_ I believe," he grins.

"Sensei, must you be so blunt?"

"It's more fun that way," he says good-humouredly.

"Maybe for you!"

He chuckles. "Maybe."

Kinomoto-sensei takes his glasses off and stretches his arms before rubbing the imprints on the bridge of his nose. His hair is disheveled and looks like a crow's nest. He looks quite comical. I giggle.

"What's so funny, hm, Amamiya-san?"

He looks up, straight at me, and I can't draw my eyes away. The afternoon sunlight highlights his features and honey-brown hair, and his eyes are deep like a river and raging with -

"N-nothing," I say a little breathlessly. I have long-since forgotten what I was laughing about.

He frowns perplexedly, still smiling, and leans forward in his chair. He makes no move to replace his glasses, and does not look away. I forget to breathe as he stretches his fingers towards my face, brushing a strand of hair from the shallow dent beside my mouth. They linger a little longer than is necessary and they are soft and his eyes are full of questions and it's like time has stopped and then-

The bell rings and we jump back, startled.

I excuse myself and run like heck and don't look back.


	12. Sonomi VI

**At the Edge of the World**

**Disclaimer:** CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Eleven - Sonomi**

* * *

The pair of us are walking by the Tsukimine Shrine on our way to school. The sakura trees are in bloom; petals drifting all around us like something out of a fairy tale. I scuff the toe of my shoe against a pile of fallen blossoms on the street, kicking them lightly into the air.

Nadeshiko has been terribly jumpy all week long and I don't know why. For the first time in our lives, she will not tell me. This makes me feel angry. Why won't she tell me what's on her mind? Why now? What's so terrible or so profound that she has to hide it? I hate this.

"Oh, look at the blossoms!" she says, and I relax because she is grinning like a moron. It looks like she's back to normal.

"Aa," I say, "they're like rain."

"You know, sakura are my favourite flowers," she tells me. "If I ever have a daughter, I'll name her that."

"Sakura? Bleh. How common."

"But it's so pretty!"

"You're nuts, Nade. Quite nuts."

"Why, what would you name your daughter?"

"I don't know… something unusual."

"Like? _Ooh,_ what about _Touka?_"

"Peach blossoms? Have you been reading trashy romance again? Why are we even having this conversation?! I'll decide when the situation actually arises!"

"It's just for fun, Sonomi!"

"Nuts," I say again, grinning.

"You are," affirms Nadeshiko.

We settle into a comfortable silence as we continue down the street. Nadeshiko is humming the jingle to the _Mashiro_ detergent ad. She seems so carefree that I can't help but reflect on my own life, bitter and lonely in comparison. The easy mood soon dissipates as my mind becomes a whirlwind of thoughts; so fuzzy and confused that they all meld into one another, becoming white noise.

"_Nacchan?_"

"Hmm?" she says.

"Do you think I'd be different if I'd had a different childhood?"

She doesn't answer immediately. "Yes," she says finally. "And no."

"That doesn't make any sense. Either it's yes or it's no."

"Hmn," she says.

"I've never even climbed a tree before, do you know that?"

"Well," says Nadeshiko, "what's stopping you now?"

I snort. "We aren't children anymore, baka. Next year we'll be eighteen, and I want to run for student council president. What do you think people would say if they knew I was climbing trees all day, eh?"

Nadeshiko rolls her eyes good-naturedly. "You say it like it's impossible."

"It's not proper!" I say.

Her green eyes suddenly widen, and she grins wickedly. "You're _frightened,_ aren't you Sonomi?"

"N-no!" I shout, embarrassed.

She throws her head back and laughs and takes my hands in hers. Her laughter is clear like the deep blue sky; it sounds like sunshine and makes my head spin. She stops in front of a tree and hitches her skirt up.

"What are you_ doing?_" I say, aghast.

"I'll go first, and then you can follow."

"You're crazy!" I exclaim.

Nadeshiko hoists herself up into the tree and I can't believe my eyes.

"You can't even walk ten steps without tripping over your feet! How do you expect to climb a tree?"

"Well I'm doing it, aren't I?"

"You're crazy!"

"Come on up, Sonomi!"

"Absolutely not!" I say, and turn away. I hear footsteps coming up behind us and decide that the last thing I need is for some mindless fool to be spreading rumors about Amamiya Sonomi scampering up trees like a monkey.

"Oh come on! It's really safe, look_- OH!_"

As I spin around I can see Nadeshiko falling out of the tree in slow motion. My heart thuds heavily in my chest, and I know that I will not be able to reach her in time. _What if she gets hurt? What if she dies? What if - ?_And then I notice another figure right beneath her, looking up with an expression of complete surprise just in time to see her crash headfirst into him.

_"OOF!"_

The world snaps back into real time and I rush towards Nadeshiko. She is lying on top of none other than Kinomoto-sensei, who looks dazed and his arms are around her protectively and then when she lifts her head she looks into his eyes and he gets a funny smile on his face and he says:

"I thought an angel fell from the sky."

At that moment I decide that I hate him, because I know that Nadeshiko does not even see me.


	13. Nadeshiko VI

**At the Edge of the World**

**Disclaimer:** CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter twelve - Nadeshiko

* * *

Kinomoto-sensei is talking about an Indian guru named Sri Aurobindo. I have never heard of this person; I can barely point India out on a map – but the way he speaks seems to open up the whole world to me. He is a wonderful teacher, capable of making any topic fascinating. I feel small next to him. It is obvious that he is well-read and that his tastes are eclectic, ranging from historical to philosophical to natural and even, on occasion, to poetry.

"I feel a little intimidated," I admit.

"Why?" he asks, looking slightly concerned, as if he is worried about offending me.

"You just seem so knowledgeable… and I feel a bit stupid."

Kinomoto-sensei laughs. I like the way his eyes crinkle at the corners. "Don't be ridiculous, Amamiya-san!"

It is late afternoon and it is like we have stepped into another world. The school no longer exists; instead we are alone in a quiet bubble somewhere in between realities, here and not-here. The sunlight casts shadows across his face, making it seem more angular, making him look more striking. A chilly breeze drifts in from the single open window behind me and rustles his hair. My heart clenches and I don't know why.

"I'll let you in on one of my darkest secrets, Amamiya-san," he whispers conspiratorially.

"I'm curious," I smile, "as to how useful this information will be, come our exams."

Kinomoto-sensei feigns mortification. "Yes, the truth is…that I have always secretly nursed a soft spot for science fiction!"

"Oh Sensei," I gasp, bringing my hands up to my mouth, "you're just as foolish as the rest of us!"

"Is that any way to address your sensei?"

I have to giggle at this, but am suddenly overcome by seriousness. "You're just as foolish," I repeat, "but also so much _more_." I feel my voice choke a little and dip my head to hide my face. I say this because it is true. Kinomoto-sensei most likely has no idea how sacred the sanctuary of this classroom is to me; how it is the only place I can say what I like and not feel like I have anything to hide. He has no idea how comforting his mere presence is; how I can voice my opinion to him, and he to I, as if we are equals, unhindered by notions of social standing. When we retreat to this place, in between realities, we are no longer teacher and student; we are simply two people finding pleasure in each others' company. He is the only person I have ever met that doesn't seem to expect anything from me, except that I should remain myself.

I am an Amamiya. In order to carry on our family tradition of decades of enterprise, I must embody the virtues of those generations who have passed before me. I must be keen, cunning, and clever. I must be steadfast, I must be ruthless, I must be perfect. I must have no weaknesses.

And if I am to keep Sonomi sane, I must have no worries. I know she relies on me to bear the heavy burden in her heart. But I am sixteen going on seventeen – of course I am troubled. My mind is like a pond; its' still surface belying a bed of scum. I feel like the waters of my mind are becoming murkier with each passing day, until eventually no sunlight will reach its' depths, and I will be stagnant and cold forever.

I don't know how I can quite express to sensei how he clears up the murkiness of my mind by simply being there.

Kinomoto-sensei doesn't say anything for a long time and my statement hangs awkwardly in the air. When I finally look up, his eyes are questioning.

"Thank you," he says finally.

I feel my heart swell and respond with a watery smile.


	14. Sonomi VII

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen - Sonomi**

* * *

Nadeshiko meets me by the school gates. When I arrive she is sitting on the grass with her elbows resting on her knees, her hands cradling her face. Her expression is calm and pensive. She does not look like the Nadeshiko I am accustomed to seeing. Rather, she looks more mature and womanly than I ever thought she could. For an instant the future seems like it's right upon us and I am so _afraid_.

But then she opens her eyes and looks straight at me, just like she always has – and her eyes are everything they have always been; warm, kind and accepting. She is so beautiful in the fading sunlight; I suddenly want to touch her.

"Ready?" she asks.

I want to ask her how she managed to grow up without my noticing it. Instead, I say: "I'm always ready."

She smiles. "Yes, you are."


	15. Nadeshiko VII

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen - Nadeshiko**

* * *

"Hey, Sonomi?"

"Hn?"

We are lying in bed with the lights out.

"How do you know if someone likes you?"

She turns sharply to look at me; I can make out her serious eyes in the faint moonlight.

"Why?"

"I don't know. I'm just asking. I mean, I'm in high school and I've never had a real boyfriend."

"I don't know," she says, and then moves to rest her head on her arm. "I suppose… they always find excuses to be with you."

"Hmm. I see."

"Why do you ask?" she says, sounding a little accusing and suspicious.

"No reason in particular!" I smile. "Good night!" I say, and then roll over and pretend to sleep.

Sonomi grunts and is out for the count ten minutes later, but slumber only claims me, as it has been doing for the past week and a half, at two in the morning, when I am so exhausted that I can no longer imagine the feel of Kinomoto-sensei's body against mine.


	16. Sonomi VIII

**At the Edge of the World**

**Disclaimer:** CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter fifteen - Sonomi**

* * *

In the following weeks, and for reasons I don't quite understand (or even _want_ to understand), I find myself going out of my way to avoid Kinomoto-sensei. I know, however, that our meeting is inevitable - after all, you can only skip class for so long before it brings down your GPA. He corners me after History one afternoon, just as the lunch bell has rung and everyone else has dashed off to the cafeteria.

"Amamiya-san, a word with you, please?"

_No,_ I want to say. Reason prevails, however, so I remain polite, though decidedly distant - not at all how I was a few weeks ago. Kinomoto sensei turns to face me; arms crossed and expression serious. I idly think that he looks handsome and hate myself for it.

"Why have you been skipping my class?"

I feign ignorance. "Skipping, Sir? I-"

"Amamiya-san," he interrupts sternly, and for the first time I see that he is angry. His voice is no longer smiling, and neither are his eyes. A disconcerting chill rushes down my spine and settles heavily in my gut. "Amamiya-san," he repeats, a little gentler this time, "I don't understand what's going on. You were a perfect student, and now…what exactly is this game you're playing?"

"Game?"

"Why, what would _you_ call it?"

"Nothing, Sir."

"Are you being bullied?" he asks, concerned. His brows crease into a frown and I want to tell him to just stop it but I can't and-

"Amamiya-san? _Are_ you being bullied?"

"No, Sir."

"Are you ill? Stressed? Having trouble at home?"

"No, Sir," I lie.

At this point Kinomoto-sensei realises that he won't get anything more out of me. He opts instead to sigh heavily and sits on his desk, shaking his head.

"Do you even have an excuse?"

I pause and consider. "No," I answer.

Silence.

"Well then," he says quietly, "I have no choice but to give you detention."

I wince. There goes my perfect school record. And for what? Nothing but a little jealousy.

More awkward silence. Kinomoto-sensei watches me warily before speaking again. I wish he'd stop _staring_. It's like his eyes are burning right through me and it's disconcerting and annoying and _IhateitIhateitIhateit_. I want to slap his stupid, pretty face. He acts as if he understands but he doesn't. He's just a big fraud and I don't know why I'm getting so worked up and-

"I don't know what's wrong, Amamiya-san," he says finally, "and I won't press you to tell me this time, but please be aware that I will not tolerate truancy in my classroom. No matter how good-a-friend we are to each other."

This piece of information (the fact that we're friends - _friends!_ What a mad world!) catches me by surprise. Completely and utterly. My eyes grow wide as it registers in my brain. Hearing him speak like this makes me angry and happy at the same time; like I've both won and lost some challenge. I confuse myself. _He_ confuses me.

I apologize, bow, and leave without a backward glance.


	17. Nadeshiko VIII

**At the Edge of the World**

**Disclaimer:** CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter sixteen - Nadeshiko

* * *

"Amamiya-san."

I turn around and see that it is Kinomoto-sensei.

"Good afternoon, Sensei," I say, and can't help but blush a little bit. I am a little puzzled because he rarely ventures far from his usual haunt on the third floor, and now here he is by the art studios on the ground level. He looks out of place and the whole thing feels a little surreal; as if I never expected him to exist outside of his classroom.

"May I speak with you a moment?"

I am confused but follow him back to his classroom, and stand at attention before his desk.

"Sir?" I say questioningly.

"Oh, you're not in trouble, don't worry," he smiles.

I frown. "What is it?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about Amamiya-san."

"What? Me? But I thought you just said-_ oh._"

"I suppose it gets a little confusing, considering you both have the same name."

He grins sheepishly.

"You-" I pause for a moment, and then decide to plough ahead. "You can call me Nadeshiko."

He blinks in surprise, caught off-guard for an instant, and then smiles kindly. "Thank you."

I feel my face grow hot despite myself and seriously contemplate making a mad dash for the door; but hesitate because I still don't know why he called me here.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about your cousin…Nadeshiko-san," he says, and then pauses, as if he's getting used to the feel of my name on his tongue, as if he's tasting it.

I swallow heavily, nervously. "Ah?"

"Lately, Amamiya-san has been acting rather strange. She has been skipping my classes, though she still somehow manages to get her homework to me."

I am confused. "Sonomi has been… skipping… class?"

"Yes. You didn't know?"

"No, Sensei."

This is troubling. Sonomi _never_ skips class. She's all about rules and regulations and propriety and this is something completely uncharacteristic of her. I look up a little fearfully at Sensei.

"Is…anything the matter…have you noticed anything wrong in class?" I ask haltingly, and my heart feels pinched because this is the first time I feel like Sonomi is keeping secrets from me.

Sensei shakes his head. "No, nothing. This is why I wanted to speak to you. If you don't mind my asking… is she under any strain at home?"

"Strain?" I echo blankly.

Yes. She's miserable and lonely because everyone thinks she's worthless. But she isn't because Sonomi is _amazing_. But she's never let it bring her down before. So why now?

"I don't think so, Sensei," I say finally.

He continues to look worried and perplexed and suddenly I want to smooth over the frown on his forehead with my fingers and feel surprised because I don't know why I'm thinking thoughts like that. I feel my cheeks heat up again. _Oh dear…_

"Well, at least I've brought it to your attention now. If anyone can help Amamiya-san, it's you."

I cannot smile. Why doesn't Sonomi trust me? We tell each other everything. Then I realise with a jolt that I don't tell her about my free periods with Kinomoto-sensei. So in actuality, _I'm_ the one at fault. I'm the liar, not her. I sit in the chair beside Sensei's desk, put my head in my arms, and sigh deeply, trying to not cry. I'm such a horrible, horrible person. Is Sonomi hurt because she found out? Because I didn't confide in her? I'm really so disgusting, I just can't-

"Nadeshiko-san? Why are you crying?"

"S-Sensei!" I blubber, "it's all my fault!"

I cry and cry and Sensei is startled and worried and strokes my hair gently. I decide I like it when he touches me but still do not dwell on it because really, as if Sonomi doesn't have enough on her plate without me being so despicable, and-

Kinomoto-Sensei takes off his glasses, leaves his chair and then kneels in front of me. His arms are wide and his hug is close and tight and comforting and I feel as if I want to stay there forever and ever and what right do I have to feel so good when I've been so disgusting to my most important person? Sensei continues to stroke my hair and then kisses my temple and pulls me closer to his warmth. _Is this okay?_ I wonder. When my sobs have subsided to occasional sniffles Kinomoto-Sensei pulls back and looks into my eyes. And then something _changes_, because I am no longer thinking of Sonomi. His fingers stroke my cheeks and I realise that I am holding my breath and I lean into his caress. His eyes flicker to my mouth and before I know what I'm doing I'm leaning forward to meet him and then our noses bump and he gives me the softest, sweetest kiss.


	18. Sonomi IX

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen - Sonomi**

* * *

Something is not right.

Nadeshiko has barely spoken a word in the past two days. Not when Grandfather came for lunch, not when we were watching the braidy bunch, and not when Sagawa appeared on our doorstep this morning with a book of raffle tickets.

"Ne, Nadeshiko?"

She looks up at me, her expression dazed. "Eh?" she says.

We are sitting on the balcony wrapped up in thick blankets and it is late evening and we are watching the sun set behind the tall, black line of trees in the distance, standing to attention like soldiers. Nadeshiko is already in her pyjamas (green, to match her eyes) and until just now was staring blankly at the sky, frowning a little. It worries me. I wonder whether she is thinking of her parents. I don't want to bring it up.

"Let's tell each other ghost stories," I say, and grin devilishly.

"Ghost stories? Now? It's not even dark yet."

"It will be soon. Who's going first, you or me?"

"You go first, Sonomi," she smiles, and when I see this my heart feels lighter.

"Well," I begin, "many years ago, people began to vanish from Tomoeda."

"I've got the chills already!"

"…children would mysteriously vanish from their beds. Women would go down to the river to bathe and be stolen away. Men on their way to the quarries up north would disappear. And no one knew why, or how. Then, one day, a man's wife went missing. He was devastated. So he began to devote all his time to solving the mystery. He became obsessed. He tried all possible leads but still accomplished nothing. And then, one day, he woke up and saw a trail of blood leading up his staircase into the attic."

"B-blood?" gulps Nadeshiko.

"_Blood,_" I repeat, with appropriate emphasis. "A thick, sticky trail of blood that smelled like metal. And then he felt something drop onto his head and shoulders. And when he looked, it was _more_ blood. And so he looked up and saw that it was_ oozing_ from the ceiling."

Nadeshiko inches closer to me, her eyes nervously scanning our surroundings. A bat takes off from one of the trees and she is startled and clutches my arm nervously.

"He can hear it… _drip…drip…drip…_ and then… he begins to climb the stairs. _Thump… thump… thump…_" I say for emphasis, "and then!"

"And then what?" she asks timidly.

"He hears the sound of someone moaning! As if they're being tortured!"

An owl begins to hoot. The trees rustle chillingly in the night wind. Nadeshiko wraps her blanket closer around her. It has become very dark.

"He gets to the attic… and slams open the door! It is pitch-black except for a single lit candle in the centre of the room, inside an upside-down pentagonal star…"

"S-Sonooomii!"

"Just then the door bangs shut! And the candle goes out! He screams and runs and tries to open the door! Then, he hears cold, cold laughter. He feels someone's cold, cold breath against his ear. And someone's cold, cold fingers touching his hand. He screams again, and suddenly, the candle mysteriously rekindles itself!"

"Aiiiiee!" cries Nadeshiko, covering her ears.

"And then he sees a chest with intricate carvings on it. It looks like it is inlaid with human bones. He walks slowly to it… his footsteps echo… and he throws open the lid…and… and… _BOO!_"

"_IIiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!"_ she screams, and then suddenly the whole household bursts through our bedroom door assuming fighting stances and armed with various objects.

"Nadeshiko-chan! Sonomi-chan!" cries one of the maids, whose name is Ayame, brandishing one of Papa's brass candlestick holders. "What happened!"

Nadeshiko speaks because I have been stunned into speechlessness.

"Eh? Oh! I'm so sorry! We were telling each other ghost stories, and-"

"_Ghost stories!_" exclaims the cook in disbelief.

We receive a severe telling-off that lasts twenty minutes and Ayame makes us go to bed. When they close the door Nadeshiko scoots out of her own and hops into mine and snuggles under the blankets beside me. We are silent for a little bit, and then she talks.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

She rolls over onto her side so she is facing me, and the dull moonlight catches the green-gold in her eyes and I subconsciously decide that she looks like a nymph. Her hair is in a loose braid and tendrils curl around the curve of her jaw and her dimple. I unwittingly wonder what it would be like if I kissed her. She takes her hand in mine and it is warm like her breath against my cheek.

"I think the scariest thing is not being with Sonomi."

I smile and pull her close to me and when we fall asleep we are still holding each other like doomed sailors cling to driftwood in an endless ocean of doubt and despair.


	19. Nadeshiko IX

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter eighteen - Nadeshiko

* * *

"Sensei!" I call impulsively. It has been a week since the kiss and it's been weighing on my mind all this time. I'm sure Kinomoto-sensei feels just as troubled as I do, so I am throwing all pride and caution to the wind and am going out of my way to speak to him. He turns and opens his mouth to say something but at that moment is interrupted by the librarian, brandishing a textbook with no cover. I decide to wait until later.

* * *

During assembly I do my best to stand close to Kinomoto-sensei but Sonomi grabs my hand and pulls me closer to the stage, where she's on duty as a student council member. I decide to try again at lunch.

* * *

At lunch I make a mad dash to the staff room and find that Kinomoto-Sensei is not there. I spend the rest of my free time hunting for him and when I finally spot him coming out of one of the chemistry labs and he smiles and says: "I was looking for you"; but then the bell rings to we have to part ways without speaking again.

* * *

During English I excuse myself from class saying I need to use the toilet and go to Kinomoto-Sensei's homeroom. He is teaching a class, so I leave.

* * *

I am walking back from gym class ahead of my classmates and see Kinomoto-sensei waiting by the changing rooms.

"Amamiya-san," he says, and moves towards me.

"Sensei," I say.

"Amamiya-san, we need to talk. I-"

"Fujitaka!" Shouts a voice, and we both turn and see the Head teacher of the literature department, who is balding and sort of looks like Francis of Assisi, except he has flaring nostrils and a badly-trimmed goatee. He runs up to us across the track field and puffs as he does so. "F-Fujitaka. I really need your help. It's urgent."

Kinomoto-sensei sighs and looks at me apologetically. "I'll speak to you after school, Amamiya-san," he says.

I bow and Kinomoto-sensei walks away just as the rest of my classmates race past me.

"Where the hell did you rush off to?" asks Sonomi, and I am glad she has not noticed sensei from across the field.

"Oh, I was thirsty," I lie.

Sonomi glances at me suspiciously and stalks ahead. I think she knows I am not being honest. I sigh and trail behind her, and then realise with a jolt that I now know that Kinomoto-sensei's first name is Fujitaka.

* * *

"Oi, let's get some hot chocolate on the way home," says Sonomi. She is standing in the classroom doorway. She is just about to leave for her debating club meeting.

"Sure," I say.

"What do you have now?" she asks. "Music? Art?"

"Nothing today, but I have a lot of homework for geography so I'll finish that up while I wait for you."

"Great," grins Sonomi. "Well, see you at five. Ja!"

I wait, impatient as ever, for ten whole minutes before sprinting for the exit; but just then I crash into Sagawa-san and he catches me before I fall over.

"Oh, thank you, Sagawa-san."

"Please, Amamiya-san. Call me Routaro."

"Eh? Uh, okay. Now, Sagawa-san, if you don't mind, I-"

"I must speak with you, Amamiya-san!" he blurts, and in my head I think_ I have no time for this right now!_ and wring my hands impatiently.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Amamiya-san," he says, his eyes preoccupied with the floor; I follow his gaze confusedly because don't see anything interesting there at all and wonder if he's not feeling well.

"What's wrong, Sagawa-san?"

"Routaro," he corrects me. Then he clasps my hand in his and looks into my eyes and I feel my face heating up and dread seeping into my chest and I hear footsteps outside but still he ploughs on and-

"Amamiya Nadeshiko-san! I like you!"

_"Ehhh?!"_ I exclaim.

It is then that I notice Kinomoto-sensei in the doorway behind Sagawa-san, and the expression on his face is unreadable.

"Oh my," he says mildly. "Forgive my intrusion. Please carry on, Sagawa-san."

And then he walks away and I burst into tears at the unfairness of it all.

* * *

That night, for the first time in many nights, I dream of my parents. It is more vivid and disturbing than any dream I have ever had. In it, I am standing at the base of the stairs, looking up at my mother, who is oddly faceless and dressed in a red kimono.

"Mother," I say, moving forward. At this point I feel someone's hand on my shoulder, stopping me. It is my father, also faceless. He lights himself a cigarette and tosses the match onto the stairs. They catch fire and the flames are hot.

"You can't," he says, and then steps into the inferno. Mother is already consumed by the fire; tongues licking greedily at the walls, eating away at the house.

"Mother!" I cry. "Father!"

Their faces are deteriorating and I smell blood and burning flesh and I feel like throwing up and suddenly Mother has Sonomi's face and Father's eyes are Kinomoto-sensei's eyes and I start to scream and yet I can't run away – I force myself, instead, to watch as my parents – or are they? – slowly burn away.

_"Oh Nadeshiko, if only you were-"_

Grandfather walks up behind me and pushes me in. Kinomoto-sensei who is maybe my father holds on to me and kisses my face and it burns and I'm screaming and screaming and

_"If only you were…"_

"I'll be good! Please, stop this!"

_"If only you were…"_

My mother-who-is-maybe-Sonomi's lips are moving but her voice is in my mind rather than carried by the air and

_"If only you were…"_

And then I wake up with a start, drenched in sweat.


	20. Sonomi X

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter nineteen - Sonomi

* * *

June rolls in and before we know it, we are sitting for our exams. It seems almost criminal because the weather outside is typically June, what with the blue, blue sky, the cumulous clouds, the warm breeze and the sun, a charming butter yellow. The trees and fields seem greener than usual and I cannot help but glance outside wistfully as I struggle to battle distractions and Japanese grammar.

It is hard to believe that summer is already here. When did it arrive? Why didn't we notice? Have I really been studying that hard? In that case, why am I still stuck on the same question? _Because you're daydreaming!_ I tell myself, and get back to work. I can enjoy June in a week's time when these stupid exams are over.

'June' also means that it will be Nadeshiko's birthday soon.

My own was at the beginning of March.

Everyone in the big house usually ignores my birthday, because I am a shame to them. The people who know of my true parentage barely speak to me, and this includes my father. I wonder why, though, because isn't _h_e the idiot who slept with my mother in the first place? Why is this all suddenly _my_ fault?

Grandfather generally sends over a gift, but that's only because Nadeshiko insists and looks like she is going to cry when he is unkind to me. I don't know whether I should be pleased or upset by this arrangement - do I really want a gift given with no loving sentiments? Only placatory ones?

My birthday consisted of Nadeshiko and I sneaking graham crackers and cheese and jam and olives and a scoop of jelly onto the balcony. We lit a big wax candle (the only one we had, to be used during emergencies) and she sang very softly and then I made a wish and blew out the flame. It's all I needed, really. Just Nadeshiko.

She is the only thing in all this world that keeps me sane.

_And yet_, I think wistfully, staring out of the window again at the wind-ruffled trees, at the white school buildings, at the janitor by the water fountain - I can't help but wish, just for once, that I could experience life as Nadeshiko does. What would it feel like to grow up with everyone loving and doting on me? What would it be like to be adored by Grandfather, and to be loved by Papa? Would it make a difference if Papa even tried to get to know me, if he even tried to make time to see me, and maybe just even acknowledged the fact that I existed instead of hiding all the time?

I feel so frustrated. No matter how hard I try, I can never gain their acknowledgement. Come on, Grandfather; Papa. I don't _want_ the family business. I don't want the estates or the company shares. I just want you to _see_ me. I'm not a moron._ Look at me._ I'm top of my class. I'm president of the Drama club. I'm Vice President of the Tennis team. I chair on the Debating team. I run track and field. I'm in the honor society. I'm very popular in school. Next year I will be running for student body president! I can speak _French,_ Papa. LOOK AT ME.

What about me isn't good enough?

Would you hate Nadeshiko too, if she were a bastard? Or do you just not like me? But what have I done? WHAT ABOUT ME ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH?

I hear something rip and I tune back into reality. When I look down at my exam paper I realise that I've torn it with my pencil.


	21. Nadeshiko X

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter Twenty - Nadeshiko

* * *

"Amamiya-san," says Sagawa-kun after the exam. The classroom is still full of students packing up their things.

"Yes?" I ask. My face warms up as I recall the events of a week ago that I had unintentionally pushed to the back of my mind.

"I am still waiting for your answer," he says.

And then it sinks in and everyone realises what has happened and all the boys catcall. I just want to sink into the floor and vanish and-

"She doesn't owe you any answers!" snaps Sonomi, standing protectively in front of me, and I feel so grateful.

Sagawa raises an eyebrow and looks very smug. "It's none of your business, Amamiya Sonomi," he says. "It is a matter entirely between your cousin and myself."

A few of the boys and girls stand up for him. "That's right!" they cry.

Sonomi scowls and takes my hand firmly in hers, glares at Sagawa and then drags me out of the room.

* * *

"HE CONFESSED?" she shouts in disbelief, and I have to tell her to keep it down.

Her voice echoes loudly through the girl's bathroom and I wince in embarrassment. I stare at the blue-grey tiles as if they're the most interesting things in the world.

"Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I forgot!" I say, a bit sheepishly.

"How could you forget about something like that!?"

Kinomoto-sensei's kiss flashes suddenly in my mind's eye. I colour.

"I don't know. I just…forgot, okay?"

"And why didn't you reject him on the spot?"

"I had other things on my mind, alright?"

"Like what?"

"Like…!Like…!"

Sonomi's eyes narrow. "What's going on with you? Why have you been so secretive lately?"

"I'm not being secretive," I begin and Sonomi cuts me off.

"Whatever," she snaps. "I won't be sticking up for you again. Do whatever you want. I'll see you at home."

And then she stalks away, her hands balled into fists. She doesn't even look back when I call out her name.

I sigh and make my way under the bleachers to sulk a little. This past month has been _horrible;_ what with the Kinomoto-sensei mix-up, and Sonomi's troubles, and my dreams of my parents, and Sagawa-san and… _OH!_

I feel so very overwhelmed that I fall heavily against one of the beams with a deep sigh, but do not cry because… well; I don't know why I don't cry. God knows it'd do me world of good. I stare out from from the gaps between the bleachers and watch the first years spill out onto the field. Then I unexpectedly spot Kinomoto sensei and stare at him for a bit instead and decide that he looks very handsome when he laughs. And then he suddenly looks my way and I see his eyebrows raise in surprise and I duck too late and before I know it he is trotting towards me. When he finds me I am sitting on the ground with my head tucked into my chest. I keep my eyes shut tightly and I don't know why I do this - it won't make me any less visible to him.

"Nade-" he begins before correcting himself. "No. Amamiya-san," he says, finally, and when I open them I get a good eyeful of his knees. I raise my head slowly, and try to smile.

"Good afternoon, Kinomoto-sensei," I say cheerily, as if all is well with the world; as if I just haven't been discovered trying to hide from him; as if I have no recollection of that kiss.

He frowns and looks a little confused. "Are you alright?" he asks.

"Oh, yes!" I say, scrambling to my feet. "I'm quite well. Happy, happy, like…erm… the sunshine!"

I laugh nervously and feel like smacking myself in the face because I know I sound like an idiot. Why am I in hysterics? Why, why, why?

"I think we should talk," he says, still frowning a little.

"Oh, no sensei, it's quite alright, don't worry about it," I say, still hysterical, and his frown deepens still further. There is an awkward pause in which he looks dead into my eyes and searches for something, though I do not know what, and I see so many unanswered questions there, questions just like mine and I wonder…

"R-Really, S-Sensei!" I stammer. "It's not a big deal!"

"Oh," he says, and pulls back. And then suddenly there is a strange, cold, too-wide smile on his face that doesn't reach his eyes, and his jaw tightens and when he speaks his voice sounds a little too sugary. "Well, in that case. I just didn't want you to get the wrong impression. After all, you are a student, and I am a teacher. It was just…an accident. Therefore, as long as we are on the same page…"

"Oh," I say, and I feel my own, stupid, nervous smile fall off my face. "Yes, Sensei. You're right. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience." I say, and bow. I feel incredibly stupid. How could I have possibly thought that it meant something to him? After all, he is a man, much older and mature than I, still childish and sixteen. I suppose stupid little kisses aren't that big a deal to adults.

_But it was my first…_

"How is Sagawa-san?" he asks.

"Eh? Sagawa-kun?" I say in confusion. Why on earth is he asking me about Sagawa-kun? "He seems alright, I suppose."

"Oh, that's great. You both make a lovely couple," he smiles strangely.

"Eh? No! S-Sensei! Sagawa-kun is not my…my…!"

As I fumble for words I feel his eyes on me so I avert my own and stare in distress at the sparse clumps of grass beneath the bleachers.

"Oh?" he asks, his voice changed. When I look up again he is no longer smiling that strange smile. Instead, he looks curious, and…is that relief?

"He cannot be my b-b-boyfriend, Sensei!"

"Oh? But I heard him confess to you."

"But I like someone else!" I blurt out suddenly and in frustration, overwhelmed by all these confusing things I'm feeling.

Kinomoto sensei starts and blinks as he absorbs this new information. Then he smiles and it is like the sun, and not at all like that horrible, cold smile he had on earlier. I am stunned.

"Oh, is that so?" he laughs suddenly, and I am so overwhelmed and so perplexed. "Well," he continues, "have a wonderful day, Nadeshiko-san!" he says, still smiling, and walks away with a swing in his step.

I remain by the bleachers, still very confused, but also, oddly relieved.


	22. Sonomi XI

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter twenty one - Sonomi

* * *

"I'm dreading our history test. Kinomoto-sensei has been in the worst mood, lately."

"Dumped by a girlfriend, probably."

"What a stupid woman. He's _such_ a bishounen!"

"Keep it down, Sumire! Honestly, you go on and on-"

I do my best to block out the voices of Kinomoto-sensei's fan club and try to focus on my history textbook instead. I am sitting in the library and the sun is close to setting and I have no idea where Nadeshiko is. Maybe I should go look for her? But what if she's gone home already? I wasn't very nice to her. Then again she was being so secretive and sneaky that I couldn't help but get angry.

What is she hiding from me? It hurts that she doesn't trust me.

I put down my pencil, lean back in my chair and contemplate this, my gaze on the clock. The girls at the next table are still offering their expert opinion on Kinomoto-sensei, and just what they'd like to do if he were ever shirtless. I feel my temper flare. There's something _odd_ about Kinomoto-sensei; I don't like the way he looks at Nadeshiko. There's something sleazy about it, like he's lusting after her. And since when have they been close? The last I recall of their relationship was polite small talk; and even then it was nothing more than an occasional, 'hello-goodbye'. But I notice that they've changed. They treat each other differently, though it is hidden behind niceties. It's not even the type of relationship that_ I_ had with Kinomoto-sensei, and I thought_ we_ were closer than is what is considered normal.

Unfortunately there is no concrete evidence of this. If someone said to me, "prove it", I wouldn't be able to. It's only apparent in the way he looks at her. It's apparent in the way she looks at him, when she thinks no one is looking.

What the hell has been happening while I've not been paying attention?

_Will I lose Nadeshiko to him?_ As this thought materializes itself I feel a jolt in my stomach as if my guts were made of lead and I feel real, cold fear. I don't think I could ever stand to lose her. She is the only thing that grounds me, keeps me sane, makes life worth living._ Can I stop it?_ Nadeshiko has always needed me, and I thrive on it. _I need her to need me._ I am the one who's lost and unstable. I need her to need me because it makes me_ useful_. I'm not a waste of space to Nadeshiko. I'm her only salvation. I'm the only thing that's kept her going these past few horrible months. She's only her true self with me. Not anyone else. I am the only one who can give her solace.

_But what if he steals her away? What if I lose her?_

Maybe I'm being silly; there's no concrete evidence that she will ever leave me for him. They are a teacher and a student, after all. There is no danger.

I hope.

I sigh and pack up my things. When I walk out of the library I see Nadeshiko sitting on the entrance steps, looking very lost. She raises her head and our eyes meet and I sigh and hold out my hand and she clasps it in hers. It is warm and real and I love her and for once I push all my selfish thoughts to the back of my mind and wonder how I can help; but we just walk wordlessly through the school gates, and slowly make our way back home.


	23. Nadeshiko XI

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter twenty two - Nadeshiko

* * *

Friday is blue-skied like a disney cartoon.

"Bleh," groans Sonomi, "I can't believe I have an exam today!"

We are in the process of walking through the school gates. I finished all my exams yesterday, but because Sonomi takes History, which is always the last to be completed, she is tied up on a glorious Friday morning.

"It's only one exam," I tell her, "and I'll be waiting for you until you're done."

She smiles. "Great! And then! We will celebrate!"

"Yes!" I shout, punching the air. "We will celebrate with crepes! And lots and lots of chocolate!"

"Nadeshiko! Perform your traditional good-luck dance!"

_"Whoooo!"_ I sing exaggeratedly, twirling around Sonomi like a drunk fairy. Students look at the pair of us strangely and leave us a wide berth as they walk by. I am so pleased that Sonomi is in a good mood. But who wouldn't be on a day like this? The sky is clear and the sun is warm and in two hours exams will have officially finished!

"See you in a couple of hours!" she says, waving as she walks on.

"Good luck!" I call, and smile.

I decide to wander around and find something to occupy myself. I want to borrow a few books for the holidays - possibly something romantic and tragic like _Wuthering Heights_ or _Jane Eyre_.

_I wonder if Kinomoto-sensei is here?_ I think absently, and soon my feet are carrying me away from the direction of the library and through hushed corridors. My footsteps sound too loud and too overwhelming in the tense silence that usually accompanies the examination period.

I discover that Kinomoto-sensei's class is occupied by students and that there is an exam in progress so I go to the staffroom instead. He is not there. I ask Saotome-sensei if he has seen him, or if he has even come to school. Saotome-sensei says that he is not sure, so I leave and make my way to the library in defeat.

The library is not a big building, really. It is simply that its' architecture is deceptive. Though it looks like it sprawls a good section of the school property, it has only one floor, and, as Sonomi has often said, resembles a large-scale version of the common, domestic garage. The outside walls are painted a dull grey, and it has large windows overlooking the tennis courts, the school gates and the junior building. These windows have blinds that are usually drawn, to prevent distractions, but sometimes when the librarian is in a better mood she allows us to open them. I hope that today is one of those days.

I make my way inside and head to the English literature section. After fifteen minutes of browsing I find _Jane Eyr_e so I fetch a tiny step ladder that will allow me to reach the top shelf. As my fingers are pulling the volume out, the bookshelf gives a violent shudder, causing me to stumble, and I cry out in surprise.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" calls a voice, just above a hush, and I feel the bookshelf being steadied.

I breathe deeply and slowly, relieved that I haven't caused a serious accident. When I look up I see Kinomoto-sensei's head poking around the corner; his eyebrows are raised and his lips are too, in a sheepish half-smile.

"Kinomoto-sensei," I say.

_I've been looking for you._

"Good morning, Amamiya-san."

My heart twinges as I wonder why he is calling me 'Amamiya' again. Is it because that kiss really was an accident? Because he really doesn't want me to get the wrong impression? Because it's not a big deal for adults to kiss each other and because he's worried I'm going to misunderstand his intentions and-

"It's such a beautiful day," he says, and his eyes are not on me, but on the scenery beyond the windows.

"Yes it is," I say, a little confused. What on earth is he getting at? The moment of silence lingers a little longer than it should and then-

"Walk with me?" he asks, turning to face me again. He is smiling and his eyes are kind and… _is he_ _nervous?_

So before I know it I am accompanying Kinomoto-sensei away from the library and we are walking along the pathway leading to the main building.

"So, what plans have you for the holidays?"

"In the summer we usually stay with my grandfather in the country."

"Ah, that must be pleasant."

"It is," I smile, looking at him.

"And you will be leaving immediately?"

"We haven't quite decided a date yet. Possibly in a week. Possibly in less."

"Well, that's unfortunate."

"Eh? Why?"

We stop walking. He turns to face me, slips his hand into his trouser pocket and pulls out two tickets, holding them like a fan.

"A friend of mine gave me two tickets to a performance of Chopin. I thought that you might appreciate them."

I am speechless.

"Ch-Chopin?"

"Yes, it's set for the evening of the 11th."

"Oh, Sensei!" I exclaim, lost for words because the gesture is so lovely and because no one has ever given me such an opportunity and because all the gifts I've ever been given before seem so trivial in comparison and I don't know why.

"Well, in case you change your mind, let me know and I will post them to you."

I can't help but smile. "Thank you sensei. I would truly appreciate that. Shall I give you my address?"

"No, that's fine, I'll look it up in the office. I know this may seem a little inappropriate, seeing as I am your teacher, but-"

"Don't worry, sensei," I say. "I think you're being too kind."

Kinomoto-sensei takes a pen and tiny notepad from his pocket and scribbles something. He then tears the paper off and hands it to me, smiling.

"This is my address and telephone number," he says," so when you are ready, please contact me and let me know if you'll take those tickets off my hands."

I am so happy I could explode. I smile so wide my face hurts. "_Thank you,_ Sensei."

He laughs awkwardly, his hand reaching up to clasp the back of his neck. "Please don't mention it. Like I said, I have no use for them, especially since I'd have no one to go with... but I'm sure that you and your cousin will have a wonderful time."

"Sensei," I say, blushing and staring at my feet as if they are suddenly so very interesting, "are you very busy at the moment?"

"Eh? Is there something I can help you with, Nadeshiko-san?"

Nadeshiko-san. He called me by my name!

"N-no, I was just thinking, since I still have about an hour until Sonomi is done with her exam, if you would like to…um…perhaps get some coffee?"

He blinks and his eyes widen and he looks a little startled - startled that I have been so bold, and so out-of-line. He's a teacher, Nadeshiko, you baka! What on earth are you thinki-

"I'm sorry," he smiles, "but I'm afraid I can't leave the school until my exam is done."

"Oh," I say, feeling so embarrassed and like a prize idiot. Did I just ask my teacher out? Am I insane? I must be such a pervert and oh god this crush is getting a little too hot for me to handle and-

"But there is a vending machine in the cafeteria," he continues. "So maybe we can get something anyway?"

I look up. I know my feelings are written all over my face. I smile. "Sounds great," I say, and we start to walk. I cannot explain it, but the hour we spend together feels like bliss and I wish in my heart that time would stop.

* * *

"Oh, damn!" curses Sonomi, staring at the schedule in her hands.

"What is it?" I ask.

We are sitting outside the crepe shop and Sonomi is presently going over her holiday sports training schedule. The air is warm so I take a sip of iced tea.

"I don't believe this. They're having a week-long tennis camp."

"So?"

She looks up dejectedly. "It means that I'll be missing your birthday!"

"Oh."

Then I remember the concert tickets and my heart drops. I suppose it is a good thing that I didn't mention them to Sonomi after all.

"What about going to Grandfather's for the summer?"

Sonomi sighs. "I can't miss this, Nade. We'll have to go the week after." She looks up at me and her eyes are sad. "I'm so sorry."

I clasp her hand in mine. "Don't worry about it," I say. "Everything will be alright. We'll celebrate when you're done. Maybe we'll have a midnight picnic by the stream?"

"That sounds nice," she says, and gives my hand a squeeze, which I return.

I suppose I can do nothing more but decline Kinomoto-sensei's generous offer.


	24. Sonomi XII

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Three - Sonomi**

* * *

Everything out there is a moving blur of colours all smudged into one another like waterpaints; but in here, in the bus, we are all living in slow-motion. The heat has affected us all, so we are all half-sprawled across each others' laps and the plastic-covered seats. It's like we're in a capsulated parallel dimension, shooting across the unsuspecting Japanese countryside.

"Hey, Sensei," says Hotaru groggily, rising to catch Sensei's attention, "how much longer will we be travelling?"

Ichida-Sensei, who is coach of the boys tennis team, is draped on the seat closest to the driver, with his head (which is resting on the back of his seat) lolling in time to the movement of the bus. When Hotaru speaks he doesn't budge an inch; only his eyes swivel back in their sockets so he is looking at him upside-down. Beads of sweat have collected in the wrinkles on his forehead. Hotaru and Sensei stare at each other for a few moments in silence before Hotaru finally sighs and relaxes back against his seat.

We are heading to a camp outside the city and we're supposed to play tennis for the next week. In this heat. In this blistering, sweltering, mind-numbing heat. Whose idea _was_ this? Everyone's crazy.

Nadeshiko's birthday is coming up. I have hidden her present in advance; when the time comes I will write her a letter and tell her where it is hidden. I know it's something she will like; I saved up my lunch money from the past few months so I could get her something nice.

I wonder what she'll do on that day? Perhaps she'll spend it with Grandpa? Or perhaps she'll go out with a couple of girls from school? Either way she'll be spending it without me and I don't like it. It makes me feel lonely when I realize we are actually leading completely separate lives, that at any moment fate could intervene and I could lose her forever.

But at least I don't have to worry about Kinomoto-Sensei. I think. I don't know why he makes me so angry. It's about _more_ than the situation with Nadeshiko. I'm really, really mad at him. But I don't understand myself. I used to think he was so cool, and now, all of a sudden, whenever I even think of him my chest feels tight and uncomfortable. I used to really respect him. But I hate him now. I hate him I hate him I hate him. And I hate Nadeshiko too. No I don't. Yes I do. No I don't. _Argh! _

Oh, God, it's too hot to think about this kind of thing.


	25. Letters

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

Chapter twenty four - Letters

* * *

_Kinomoto Sensei,_

_Hi, how are you?_

* * *

_Dear Sensei,_

_I am writing to you in order that I may_

* * *

_Hi there, Sensei!_

_I was thinking of you and_

* * *

Dear Kinomoto Sensei,

I hope your summer holidays have been pleasant thus far. As for mine, they have been uncharacteristically quiet since Sonomi is not here – she's on her way to a tennis training camp as I write this – but the solitude is not altogether unpleasant; simply different. Since we are almost always together I sometimes forget that she and I are two completely separate people! Somehow my world seems to shrink when Sonomi is not with me. I miss her very much already, and she's only just left. Oh dear!

Thank you very much for kindly offering me those concert tickets – I truly appreciate it – however I am afraid I shall have to decline them, for I have no one to take with me. Grandfather is away on business and none of my other friends are very interested in classical music, I'm afraid. If only Sonomi were here, then there would have no need to let your precious tickets go to waste! I very humbly apologize for being so rude. I hope the tickets find their way into the hands of another pair of music lovers! May your summer be a beautiful, memorable one.

Thanking you sincerely,

Amamiya Nadeshiko

* * *

Dear Nadeshiko-san,

I am very sorry to hear that you were unable to find a partner to accompany you to the theatre! I shall now proceed to weed out all possible candidates worthy of becoming Master of Tickets. I anticipate that they will be in great demand, and that I shall have to drive away the hordes of prospective owners with a large stick. But do remember that you have first pickings, should you ever find a willing victim.

Which reminds me, certain Aztec tribes played a game in which the head of their conquered enemies would be treated as a "puck" of sorts, which opposing teams would then proceed to hit into goals with long, netted sticks. The losers of the game would be sacrificed brutally afterwards. I suppose it is the predecessor of lacrosse – albeit a far more gruesome game then than it is today.

I am sure that Sonomi is missing you just as much as you are missing her. Having said this I am also sure that you two will more than make up for any lost time when you next meet. Aren't you going to visit your grandfather in the country? I hope your journey will be a pleasant one, and your summer too.

I'll try to hold on to the tickets for as long as possible so let me know if you'd like them! Though you'd better hurry – as I said, I anticipate hordes.

With best wishes,

Kinomoto Fujitaka

* * *

Dear Sensei,

Your letter made me laugh! Of course I try to be as optimistic as I can; however the concert is only a few days away and I still have not found a "willing victim," as you say.

I received a letter from Sonomi this morning, though I am not supposed to open it until my birthday. Unfortunately this is driving me mad from curiosity because I so very dearly want to know what my present is! But please forgive my rambling and impertinence.

Is it honestly true, what you said about those ancient tribes?

Kindest regards,

Amamiya Nadeshiko

* * *

Dear Nadeshiko-san,

How has your week been? Mine has been so uneventful that it boggles the mind. I think that I have become an intensely boring person, the kind who prefers being alone at home – like an old lady with her cats. But I am still very young (I kid you not!) and my friends tell me that this kind of behavior is unacceptable while I am still a cat-free, handsome bachelor.

When is your birthday? With both that in mind, I was thinking that since I can find no one who wants these tickets, if it is not too impertinent in your eyes, that perhaps we may go together? We could meet outside the theatre, at say, five o'clock on Friday? We can think of it as a sort of pseudo school trip if you like – absorption of culture and the arts, and for authenticity's sake I can bore you to tears on the renaissance. However if this is not to your fancy please do not feel obliged to accept – I am offering on the grounds of convenience, and of course, the pleasure of your company – but if you would like to come, please do so with the permission of your guardians.

I await your reply in breathless anticipation,

Kinomoto Fujitaka.

* * *

Dear Kinomoto Sensei,

I hope this letter reaches you. Today our maid rode in on her bicycle – I intend to borrow it for the rest of the morning and to hand-deliver my reply. I pray that I do not get lost. This plea to God is most likely to go unnoticed, however, for I have the poorest sense of direction. Sonomi always says that I'm the only person who could get lost between the hallway and her own bedroom.

I will meet you tomorrow as you suggested – five o'clock at the theatre doors.

Best regards,

Amamiya Nadeshiko


	26. Nadeshiko XII

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Five - Nadeshiko**

* * *

It is seven fifteen and I am reluctant to say goodbye. Kinomoto-sensei seems nonchalant; smiling in his usual way, and seemingly oblivious to my concerns.

"That was wonderful. I'm glad we did this," he says.

We are standing outside the theatre and darkness has just settled. We are both beneath a street lamp and I like how his hair catches the light. I want to memorize this moment; capture it in my mind like a photograph. I feel my cheeks grow warm. I want to reach out to him, I want to touch him, I want-

"What's next?"

"Eh?"

Kinomoto sensei raises a quizzical eyebrow. "I'm sorry, am I being too presumptuous?"

"Eh? N-no! I'm not in a hurry!"

He smiles. "Coffee? And perhaps a snack?"

"That would be lovely!" I say, reeling from happiness inside my inside. I don't want to go home. I want to stay with Kinomoto Sensei for as long as I can; capture this memory forever.

"I know a good place," he tells me, and we walk along Café street, filled with couples and friends and delicious aromas.

But Kinomoto sensei doesn't stop, he just keeps walking – past all those beautiful little eateries, through the throngs of friends and lovers, through the lights – until we reach a secluded green away from the hustle and bustle of the town. There is a fountain in the centre, and a bizarre sculpture that looks like a cat. He leads me to a bench and motions for me to sit, then walks towards a street vendor in the distance.

It is a warm night, and the stars are dim against an electric blue sky. I wonder what Sonomi's doing – is she staying out of trouble? Making new friends? Missing me at all? I miss her a lot. We haven't spent this much time away from each other in half a year.

Kinomoto Sensei is walking back. I start thinking of other things; things like _why is my heart beating so fast _and _does Kinomoto sensei think I'm special at all_ and _why do I feel so light-headed _and_ why did he kiss me? _

"Here you go," he smiles, handing me a hot can of coffee and a serving of takoyaki. It is an odd combination and it makes me laugh.

"Hey, don't be so rude!"

"Sensei, you are too funny!"

He smiles again and my stomach somersaults. I like it when he smiles at me. Oh lord, I sound like an idiot. I'm so happy he can't hear my thoughts. He already thinks I'm such a child.

When Kinomoto Sensei sits next to me I feel so nervous I cannot speak. Even earlier this evening, at the theatre, all I could think of was how he was so close that I could smell his cologne. I barely heard the music. And here we are again in the same situation; albeit the music has been replaced by takoyaki. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I wish I knew what he thought about me. Is he having fun tonight? Am I being inconsiderate, making him stay out with me instead of heading home? Why isn't he saying anything? WHAT DO I DO?

"Thank you for all this, sensei," I say finally.

"It was my pleasure. I knew it would be something you'd appreciate."

"I'd like to study music when I graduate. And maybe I'll play a concerto myself and you can come and cheer me on!"

Kinomoto sensei laughs again. "I like the sound of that. I'm sure you'd be amazing. Speaking of which, how did your recital go? I never asked."

"It was alright," I shrug, "not too many mistakes. I wasn't booed off the stage."

"You're ridiculous."

"Sonomi tells me all the time!"

"You should pursue your dreams as best you can," he says. "Don't compromise if you can help it."

"Did you always want to teach, sensei?"

"No," he admits. "I wanted to be an archaeologist. Travel to exotic locations… unearth hidden cultures… all that sort of thing."

"What happened?"

Kinomoto sensei doesn't say anything. I wonder if I've offended him. I'm about to change the subject when he responds.

"Well, one of the reasons was that I couldn't find a job. I had to settle for the next best thing."

"And the other reasons?"

He chuckles. "Let's just say the circumstances weren't in my favour."

"That's sad," I say.

"Yes. It's hard, having to give up on a dream."

"But you enjoy teaching, right?"

"Yes. I do. I love my students."

"Oh," I say, feeling a little stupid because my heart started beating a little faster when the

word 'love' passed his lips. "That's good."

"Mmn."

Suddenly the air between us is tense and when I look up his face is right next to mine. His eyes are pensive and he is just _waiting_ and I wonder if he's going to kiss me again and –

"I should probably get you home," he says softly.

"Oh," I say. I can't keep the disappointment out of my voice.

"Nadeshiko-san," he says. He hasn't moved away yet.

"Sensei, I-"

"Fujitaka?"

We whip away from each other and I feel so confused about everything. There is a woman walking towards us and she is tall and mature and beautiful and makes me feel like such a child.

"Akane," smiles Kinomoto sensei, rising to his feet. "it's been a while. How have you been?"

"Same old. Keeping Kaori from getting sued. And yourself?"

"I'm teaching at the high school now."

"Hrrmph, busy being a pervert, no doubt. And who is this?"

Akane-san gives me a nerve-wrecking once-over with a strange glint in her eye. I see now that she is not particularly tall, but she seems larger than life – the way she carries herself; proudly, as if she were seven feet tall; the way she's tossed her hair, cropped short, against its natural parting; the way she's staring at me like I'm something she's found under her shoe. She is wearing a pair of deep green, creased trousers and an ivory satin shirt. Her shoes are slung over her shoulder and she is walking barefoot. I notice her toenails are blood red. She is gorgeous. She is terrifying.

"This is Nadeshiko-chan."

"Hurmph!" snorts Akane -san. "One of your students, I suppose. How disgustingly blasé you are about things like _this_." She gestures to me with a careless wave of her arm and I feel horrible, just horrible.

"Don't be crude, Akane."

"Oh, are you leading her on, then?"

I am so mortified I want to sink into the sidewalk and keep sinking. Kinomoto-sensei spares me a glance and his eyes are sympathetic. To think that it started out as such a good day…

"She's just being difficult, Nadeshiko-san," he says, frowning a little. "Come on, Akane, stop bullying her."

I feel like I'm about to cry. There's a moment of tense silence before Akane -san throws her head back and laughs heartily.

"Fantastic!" she cries. "You're priceless!"

Kinomoto-sensei sighs wearily, slouching and dropping his head past his shoulders. When he sits up again he has a smile on his face. "You're troublesome, Akane."

She smirks. "Of course. With a capital T."

"Join us? I'll get more coffee."

"I suppose I could spare a few more minutes."

"I'll be right back," says Kinomoto-sensei, who walks away and leaves the two of us alone.

It is incredibly awkward. I can feel Akane -san's eyes on me, and I feel sick. I imagine she enjoys making others feel uncomfortable; that she enjoys pushing buttons and boundaries and people, and then observing their reactions with childish cruelty. I feel a flash of irritation as I think of the implications of her words – and how she's hit the nail on the head. Sort of. Because Kinomoto-sensei is not a man with lewd intentions. He's a good man; kind and gentle and sincere.

"Kinomoto-sensei isn't-" I begin weakly.

"What? I can't hear you when you're mumbling. Speak up."

I want to run away and never look back. Instead I sit up, look her straight in the eye and say: "Kinomoto-sensei is not that kind of man."

Then she bursts out laughing. I can't help but feel annoyed by her reaction. Wiping away tears, she pats my hands, sweaty and clasped in my lap, and says: "of course. Of course he isn't." and she means it.

Kinomoto-sensei returns with another serving of takoyaki and a can of coffee for Akane -san.

They talk about people they know. I am lost and opt for silence. I feel so out of place. Kinomoto-sensei is animated, gesturing with his hands and laughing more widely than I have ever seen before. My stomach squirms with jealousy. He is so relaxed around Akane-san, so they must be really close. How many sides of him has she seen? Is that why she's lingering here? To rub the fact that she knows him so intimately in my face? So that I know where I stand; so that it's clear that I am an outsider? A stranger? Something temporary? I clench my hands and interrupt the pair and tell them I'm going to get more takoyaki. Then I walk away from them and my footsteps are pounding and my brain is pounding and my heart is pounding and I feel so oddly _devastated_ and-

"Nadeshiko!"

I spin around and Kinomoto-sensei is jogging towards me, his face flushed. Akane-san is nowhere to be seen. I plaster a false smile on my face. "I'm going to get some more takoyaki, sensei."

"But we have quite a lot already," he says, holding up a small paper tray.

"Oh, how foolish of me. I didn't notice."

A tense silence follows. I look down shuffle my feet and my heart aches. Then Kinomoto-sensei reaches out and takes my hand very gently and we interlock our fingers. When I raise my head, his eyes and his smile are so tender all I can think of is how much I want to touch him.

He tugs me onward and we start walking. I am incredibly aware of the weight of his hand in mine; of how gentle he is; of the tenderness in his gaze – so that we bypass the bus altogether and I float towards home in a dream. We stop at the top of the road and not at my door, and still he has not let go of my hand. We are silent. I don't want to leave. I don't want this to end. I can't bring myself to look Kinomoto-sensei in the eye. Our intertwined fingers are warm and I can't bring myself to tear away.

"S-sensei," I whisper.

"Hm?"

"Can I touch you?"

Kinomoto-sensei doesn't say anything, so I finally turn my head to look into his eyes. They are so beautiful, and so conflicted, and so tender and warm and I just take that to mean 'yes' so I step forward and the space between us shrinks and I hover like that for a few seconds, millimeters away from his body.

Without really knowing what I'm doing, I reach out and snake my arms around his waist and bury my face in his shirt. I breathe deeply, wanting to memorize the contours of his body and exactly how he smells, like something deep and musky and _I can't believe I'm doing this _and we seem to fit each other like two pieces that complete their own puzzle.

Several moments later, Kinomoto-sensei's arms are around me; his embrace is warm and he pulls me into him and his face is in my hair and he takes a deep breath and _oh God, I don't want him to let go _and we stand like that for a long time.

Kinomoto-sensei plants a soft kiss on my head, and then a few more, and then he moves his mouth on to my face; he kisses my temples, my forehead and my nose. He kisses my cheeks and my chin and his mouth is hot and I start kissing him back; along his jaw and neck and he makes a gruff sound in his throat and _oh God, I could die here_ and then he stops – his lips hover above mine and his hands rise along my body to cup my face and I can't help but look at him and his eyes are so _something_ and he swallows nervously and still does not kiss me; so I rise on my toes to close the gap and before I know it I am kissing Kinomoto-sensei for a second time on the street, in the darkness, and find that we are melting into each other.


	27. Letters II

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Six - Letters II**

* * *

Letters II

Hello, Nadeshiko!

Tennis camp is precisely what it said on the tin: tennis camp. We wake up with the sun and have breakfast in the mess hall. The food always tastes good – I think this has something to do with the fact that we are outdoors. Then we play tennis until lunch time. Then we relax for a while, and start again in the evening. Honestly there hasn't been much variation in the two days I've been here.

I suppose you want to know what it's like here. Well, for starters, it's always boiling hot. We are surrounded by fields of rice, glowing bright green in the sun. The camp is on a small hill and there are four tennis courts here, and a lake off towards the east. We swim there in the evenings.

It's beautiful out here, though – I can't believe we're only a couple of hours from Tomoeda! I share a room with two other girls – Naoya-chan and Kume-chan – and they are pleasant enough. I know I make them feel uncomfortable sometimes, yet they still do their best to keep things congenial.

Being away from home, even if only temporarily, is so refreshing. I wish I could do this more often – though with you by my side. I miss you very much. Having been out here, I find myself almost looking forward to going to Grandfather's for the summer. Almost.

I hope you haven't opened your birthday present yet! And you must absolutely write to me the moment you DO open it. I wish I could call for your birthday, but that is not allowed.

What have you been doing? I hope you are having a good time and not missing your cousin too much.

Love,

Sonomi

* * *

Dear Sonomi,

It's good to hear you sounding so chipper and relaxed. I agree, this week away from home will be good for you. I do miss you though.

Tomoeda is as it's always been – quiet. I spent last evening at the park with Tsuyoshi-kun and Kokoro-chan. Even though it was late, it was still hot, so we ate ice cream. It was nice, but I missed you.

When are you coming home? I wish I could join you out there. I have so many things I want to talk to you about.

All my love,

Nadeshiko

* * *

Sonomi!

I know I just wrote to you yesterday, but I absolutely had to tell you thank you, thank you and thank you for such a wonderful birthday!

The present is lovely! I'll wear it every day! How could you even afford it? (It wasn't anything illegal, was it?)

I'm so happy! Now I really can't wait until you get back! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Also you were very clever to hide it taped to the underside of our desk drawer. You're always full of great ideas.

As for the dress, I always imagined I'd have to fight you to let me wear it – so thank you for allowing me to borrow it. I've decided to wear it into town today. I'm meeting some friends for lunch. Oh Sonomi, today would be complete if only you were here!

I remain as I have ever been,

Your Nadeshiko.


	28. Letters III

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Seven - Letters III**

* * *

_Dear Nadeshiko-san,_

_Hello, how are you? I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed the time we spent together and now I can't get you out of my damn mind._

* * *

_Dear Nadeshiko-san,_

_It's hard to believe it's only been a day since I kissed you, because now here I am, wanting more. Are you really only sixteen?_

* * *

_Dear Nadeshiko-san,_

_I apologize for being a creepy old pervert but it's just that you make me feel_

* * *

_Dear Nadeshiko-san,_

_I hope you are doing well. I understand it hasn't been very long at all since we last met, but I would like to hold you again and possibly kiss you, if that would be acceptable._

* * *

Dear Kinomoto-sensei,

How are you? I'm writing to tell you that tomorrow Sonomi and I depart to our grandfather's house in the countryside. I was hoping that you would continue to write to me because your letters are always interesting and I honestly look forward to them.

I would understand, however, should you choose not to reply – I do not ever want to offend you. You are my dear teacher and, if I may be so bold, a very important friend.

I hope that you will keep up our correspondence; in the event you wish to do so, the country house address can be found on the back of this envelope.

Whatever your decision, I wish you nothing but happiness.

Sincerely,

Amamiya Nadeshiko


	29. Sonomi XIII

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Eight - Sonomi**

* * *

It is the sort of summer's day one reads about in stories; the sky is blue and deep and wide, the grass is rustled by a hot breeze that blows in from the south. Nadeshiko and I are lying side by side – she on her belly and I on my back. She is reading out loud from 'A Picture of Dorian Gray'. I watch the clouds lumber slowly across my field of vision and am lulled into a state of drowsiness. The only thing that keeps me connected to the present is the rise and fall of Nadeshiko's voice.

_"Suddenly I found myself face to face with the young man whose personality had so strangely stirred me. We were quite close, almost touching. Our eyes met again. It was reckless of me, but I asked Lady Brandon to introduce me to him. Perhaps it was not so reckless, after all. It was simply inevitable. We would have spoken to each other without any introduction. I am sure of that. Dorian told me so afterwards. He, too, felt that we were destined to know each other."_

"Hey Nadeshiko," I interrupt.

"Hm?" She murmurs, looking up from her book.

"Do you believe it?"

"What?"

"In destiny."

"Mm, I'm not sure."

Here she pauses and I can hear her rolling onto her back and the rustle of pages as she cradles the book to her chest.

"Do you?" She asks.

"It seems a little far-fetched. I want to dismiss it as nonsense. But then I can't help but think that I was destined to know _you_."

I open my eyes and turn onto my side. She is looking at me too, a smile lingering on the corners of her lips.

"Aa," she says. "I know what you mean. Sonomi?"

"Yeah?"

"Even if my parents never died, or even if we were never cousins, or even if I lived on the other side of the world – I'd still feel like knowing you was destined."

I grin. "I wonder what we'd've been like in another world, another time, in other circumstances. Would we be the same as we are now?

Nadeshiko mulls over this. "Yes," she says, "and no."

"Hrrmph. You're saying things that make no sense again. I've told you before – either the answer is yes or it's no."

"Hmm," she says noncommittally. Then she raises the book above her and continues to read.


	30. Nadeshiko XIII

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Nine - Nadeshiko**

* * *

Grandfather joins us each dinner time and it is always a stressful occasion. No harsh words are exchanged; on the contrary, everyone is very civil. But the uneasiness that rests beneath the surface of this event is enough to choke you. Sonomi sips her soup in sullen silence and Grandfather compliments the cook on his entrée and I smile and smile and do my best to keep that inevitable explosion from happening. In the absence of any other notable skill, it is the least I could do, to maintain a barely-civil relationship between the occupants of this house. I can feel the cracks widening though, I can see true intentions and true emotions bubbling beneath them – and I must stop them from surfacing at any cost.

Grandfather starts discussing the potential for growth at Amamiya Enterprises and I honestly feel a little overwhelmed. I have no clue as to what builds a strong business; I am simply seventeen and stupid. I glance at Sonomi, and the knuckles of the hand gripping her fork are white. I know she wants to say so much, and yet…

I suppress a sigh and turn to Grandfather. Even if I can't offer anything productive, the least I could do is listen.


	31. Sonomi XIV

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty - Sonomi**

* * *

Thursday morning, one of the maids enters our bedroom with a letter for Nadeshiko. She looks positively surprised and the brush she's been holding falls out of her hands and onto her foot. She scrambles to pick it up and places it back on the dresser. She stands there then, for a few seconds, as if she's thinking about something, before walking over and taking the proffered envelope. A strange look crosses her face, and then she smiles wider and brighter than I have ever known her to smile.

_What. The. F-_

"I'll see you in a few minutes Sonomi, okay bye!"

And she runs out of the room.


	32. Nadeshiko XIV

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty One - Nadeshiko**

* * *

I dream of my parents in the afternoon as I lay next to Sonomi on the grass. Rather, it isn't so much of a dream as it is a memory – in it, the three of us are at lunch. We are seated at a long table in a big room with a high ceiling and the whole family is there. It is early afternoon. I am twelve years old.

"How did Nadeshiko-chan's recital go?" asks one of my aunts.

Mother squirms uncomfortably. "Not very well. The child froze."

The aunt tut-tuts. "Such a shame. She was unprepared?"

"We can only assume," my mother sighs.

"Well, my son managed to get into the baseball team this year. They say he's their youngest member!"

Mother titters politely. "How wonderful, you must be so proud!"

The aunt's smile is smug. "Yes, he only wants to please his parents."

My mother spares me a glance and it is screaming in place of her voice. It is devastating and I want to cry.

When I wake up I realize that my mother is dead and that I am lying in the grass. I am overwhelmed by loneliness so I reach out and take Sonomi's warm hand in mine, holding it tightly. I revel in its comforting weight and think about how these hands have always been there for me despite everything and decide that I never want to let go.


	33. Sonomi XV

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty Two - Sonomi**

* * *

I want to know just who Nadeshiko's been writing to for the past two weeks. Logic dictates that it must be a potential boyfriend. Urgh. I hope it's not Sagawa Routaro.

We are inside today; Nadeshiko is painting a scene from her bedroom. Grandfather put a picture-window in just for her. She is deep in concentration as she re-paints the sky for the umpteenth time.

"Hey Nade," I say.

"Hm?"

"Who are you writing to?"

She looks up and her eyes are confused. "I'm _painting_, silly."

"Nadeshiko. Don't be stupid on purpose."

"I'm _painting_ a picture for _Grandfather_, Sonomi," she says tiredly, as if _I'm_ the one who's being ridiculous.

"I'm talking about those letters!"

She doesn't look up from her art, but her paintbrush is longer moving. "Friends, Sonomi. They're just letters to friends."

I toss my book onto the desk angrily, storm out of the room and wonder what she's hiding from me.


	34. Letters IV

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

**Chapter Thirty Three – Letters IV**

Dear Nadeshiko-san,

I'm not much of a poet, but these past few days have been quite inspiring. The sky seems endlessly blue; the grass deeply green; the wind warm and inviting. It's no wonder that so many men have chosen to romanticize nature dressed in her summer clothes. Mark Twain wrote a sweet ditty that reminds me of a lullaby, called 'Warm Summer Sun'. Charming as it is, I will not repeat it here.

If love were a season, what would you liken it to? I feel that it is like the summer: hot and fierce and drawing you into a stupor. Shakespeare himself chose to liken his lover to a summer's day – but you Nadeshiko, you are like the height of spring. You are like flowers and new leaves and wet earth and beginnings. You are the hope that lingers come winter in all her severity. You are the promise of warmth, and of sunshine, and of beauty. And hope is the most important thing; it is the last light we have in a world when all lights have gone out.

I'm sorry if seem morbid today – it's just that these quiet mornings draw me into a contemplative mood. I feel positively adolescent. How are you doing? How is Amamiya Sonomi-san? Are you both enjoying yourselves? Last afternoon I met a young man who reminded me of Sonomi-san – he was probably around five, and had the most serious expression on his face. He was playing hopscotch on the pavement outside my apartment - though I wonder if Sonomi-san would object to hopscotch? I personally find it entertaining, and told the young man as such.

In your last letter you mentioned that you'd begun to read Tchaikovsky's biography. How is that coming along? Have you encountered the widow Nadezhda von Meck? I understand they shared a unique relationship with one another, exchanging over 1,000 letters throughout their lifetimes. I think she greatly influenced his creative process, though I'm not sure how their story ended. You'll have to tell me.

I miss our weekly conversations and look forward to a continuation of our discussion on shellfish. I still maintain that crab tastes better than lobster. I hope this letter finds you well, and that you are happy. All the best, Kinomoto Fujitaka. 


	35. Nadeshiko XV

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

**Chapter Thirty Four – Nadeshiko**

Grandfather is sitting in a low armchair by the window. The light is fading fast and he has a lamp on a short table nearby. His hands are holding place in a book but he is looking outside – his eyes are tired and thoughtful so I succumb to my sympathy and place a kiss on his scratchy cheek. He smells like hair cream.

"What are you thinking about, Grandfather?" I ask.

Grandfather turns to face me and I am suddenly struck by how old he looks. He takes my hand in his and gestures to a stool nearby, wordlessly offering me a seat. He smiles.

"I was thinking of ridiculous, adult things."

"I'm almost a ridiculous adult," I say, with all the seriousness of a four year old insisting that she's really four and a half.

"If only you didn't have to be. The world is such a harsh place. You can't let your guard down for even a minute." He pauses for a moment and the silence is a little unsettling. He starts to finger his wedding ring. I can hear something buzzing near my ear. I turn my head just in time to see a wasp fly out through the window. "Life is suffering, Nadeshiko," he says suddenly. "I only pray that you don't need to learn such lessons so soon."

"Grandfather," I say again, more gently this time, "What's wrong?"

"Take a seat, girl. Read to me."

I comply. The book is dull beyond belief and is something about the colonial history of the Americas. _Oh_, I find myself thinking, _Kinomoto-sensei would probably enjoy this_.


	36. Sonomi XVI

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

**Chapter Thirty Five – Sonomi**

* * *

We are doing our homework together and it is a warm, midsummer's night. I glance out the window and observe the sky – it is clear and dotted liberally with stars. Cicadas chirp noisily in the garden below.

Nadeshiko is gazing out into the distance, but I feel that she is looking beyond the trees; beyond the milky midsummer moon; beyond the stars. Her thoughts are faraway and that worries me. I avert my eyes and attempt to focus on algebra again, but my mind is drawn to her voice, rising softly and without warning.

"_Yo no naka o  
__Nani-ni tatoemu  
__Asabiraki  
__Kogiinishi fune no  
__Ato naki gotoshi."_

I blink. Did Nadeshiko just recite classical poetry?

"Where did you learn that?" I ask. I barely understand what she's said – classical text is tedious and I never had the patience to learn it. Something about a boat?

"I read it somewhere," she says nonchalantly.

"What does it mean?" I feel dizzy. Who is this person? Where is Nadeshiko? I feel like I've missed something important.

"_Living in this world –  
__To what shall I compare it?  
__It's like a boat  
__Rowing out at break of day,  
__Leaving no trace behind."_

She smiles, but I can't manage anything beyond dread.

"It's from Manyoushuu," she tells me.

"Oh," I say stupidly. She is still smiling, but she looks like a stranger. Her eyes have changed. Why does she suddenly seem so knowing? I am overcome by fear. I hurriedly rise to my feet.

"Bathroom," I say by way of explanation, and flee into the hallway, leaving Nadeshiko by our desk, looking confused. I walk down the stairs and wander around the house aimlessly, trying to calm myself. I pass by Grandfather's study and impulsively look in. He is standing by his desk and frowning over some paperwork. He suddenly looks up and our eyes meet – and I freeze. His eyes are stern and his jaw is clenched and neither of us move for what seems like hours. My palms start to sweat.

"I-I'm sorry," I mumble; the words tumble nervously from my mouth and I cringe with embarrassment.

Grandfather gives me a once-over and snorts depreciatingly. The message in his eyes is clear. _Get out_.

I run back up the stairs and into the bathroom. I lock the door, sit on the toilet and take deep breaths. I realize that I've forgotten to turn on the light. I think about Grandfather, Father and the mother I never knew. I think about Kinomoto-sensei and Nadeshiko with her stranger's eyes and my heart whispers: _I'm alone, I'm alone_.


	37. Nadeshiko XVI

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

**Chapter Thirty Six – Nadeshiko**

* * *

Sonomi and I take the train back to Tomoeda. There is something soothing about the rhythmic sway of the carriages, of the wheels clacking on the railway track. The scenery flies past us in green and grey blurs and we are lulled into a state of inertia.

"I'm so bored," I whine.

"Me too. Want to play snap?"

"No energy."

"I-spy?"

"Too much thinking."

Silence settles between us. Clackety-clack goes the train. I feel like this moment is important. I look over at my cousin, her face squashed by the palm of her hand; her elbow resting precariously on the window-ledge, and feel a surge of emotion for reasons I don't quite understand. I feel like we are outside reality - in transit, if you will. I feel like I need to tell her something, but I don't know what it is. I feel like I'm running out of time and I don't know why. Sonomi is so precious to me. She has been my lifeline in a frightening world; she saves me from myself – my own doubts and fears. When I am with her, I do not feel so alone, and realize with a jolt that I love her more than anyone. I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to reach across the gap and wrap her in an embrace, but she chooses this moment to notice that I am staring at her stupidly.

"Now what?" She grumbles.

"Tell me a story."

"Nadeshikoooooo," she whinges.

"_Pleeaaaaase?"_

"Fine," she huffs. She sprawls out across the seat and lays her head back on her arms. Her braid dangles off the edge of the seat. "Once upon a time there lived an annoying girl named Nadeshiko…"


	38. Sonomi XVII

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

**Chapter Thirty Seven – Sonomi**

* * *

Certain days you just _know_ that something is going to happen. You're not sure whether they will be good things or bad things – simply that they will be significant. Your stomach curdles for no apparent reason and your mouth tastes sour. You are prone to fits of perspiration and you can't stop fidgeting. I was having one of these days.

"Do you need to use the bathroom, Sonomi?" asks Nadeshiko concernedly. She is standing in front of our vanity looking at my reflection in the mirror, her tie halfway done.

"Eh? No. I just feel…_something_," I finish stupidly. Surely there must be a word in the world that describes this feeling of…_oh_. "Uneasy," I conclude. "Yes. I feel uneasy."

Nadeshiko glances at me curiously and her mouth quirks up on one side. "What about?" she asks.

I shrug. "I don't know yet. Maybe because it's our first day back."

"Maybe," she mumbles as she slips on her shoes. "Right! Shall we get going then?"

Soon we are walking down the familiar streets towards school. Soon we are joined by three other girls – Yori-chan and Reiko-chan, who are sisters, and Misato-san, who is in Nadeshiko's art club. It is a lively, lovely morning and everyone is soon swapping stories about their summer. Yori-chan and Reiko-chan spent most of their holidays helping their family run their grocery shop, and speak animatedly about the crazy customers they've had to endure. Misato-chan suddenly announces that she found herself a boyfriend and we all gasp and squeal and bombard her with a hundred questions.

"Oh, you're so lucky, Misato-chan," sighs Reiko. "He sounds really great."

"On our first date, he took me to the summer festival to see the fireworks."

"_Kawaaiiii!"_

"He'll probably walk me home from school today, so you can all meet him!"

"That's so romantic!"

Still grinning, I realize that Nadeshiko has become uncharacteristically quiet all of a sudden. When I glance at her I see – and it lasts only a moment – the most peculiar expression on her face, as if everything good in the world had turned to ashes.


	39. Nadeshiko XVII

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

**Chapter Thirty Eight – Nadeshiko**

* * *

Sonomi and I split up in the afternoon as she heads to her next class, leaving me to my own devices for two hours. I head towards the library, then double back and make my way to Kinomoto-sensei's classroom. My heart is pounding and my brain is on autopilot. I have no idea what to expect. What _do_ I expect? Firstly, he's a teacher, and secondly, we're in school midway through the day and it's not like he's about to pull me into his arms and kiss me and – _oh, _my brain thinks treacherously, _that would be lovely_.

I find his classroom empty. Bother. I decide to wait for him and pull a paperback copy of _Rebecca_ out of my skirt pocket and settle in for what could be a long and futile wait. The heavy tone of the book begins to weigh down my spirits and sucks me into a well of self-pity. Everything I read seems to relate to me in some way, and I can't help but feel terribly lonely. I think about my family – or what's left of it, anyway – of all the expectations I never lived up to, that are now aimless things since my mother's gone – and I think of Sonomi and her pain, and of Kinomoto-sensei and his smile, and I suddenly wonder how much of a relief it would be if I could simply stop thinking altogether.

"Come on now, Nadeshiko," I tell myself firmly. "Happy thoughts. _Happy thoughts_." I will myself to remember how I used to sit on my father's knee before bedtime, of Sonomi's laugh, of Kinomoto-sensei holding me in the moonlight. I can't help but smile as I recall a passage from _Rebecca_:

"_If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent. And it never faded, and it never got stale. And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like living the moment all over again._"

Yes, I decide wistfully, that would be lovely. I'm still daydreaming when the classroom door slides open and I am startled into awareness.

"Amamiya-san?"

_Drat._

"Sagawa-kun?"

"What are you doing here?" he asks, looking around perplexedly.

My brain buzzes dumbly. "It was…quiet," I say, because I honestly can't think of a better excuse.

"Oh. Um. Have you seen Kinomoto-Sensei?"

I shake my head. "No, I'm sorry."

He doesn't leave. He hovers by the door for a moment before stepping inside, and all I can think is_ goawaygoawaygoawayplease_.

"How was your summer?" he asks, taking the seat next to mine.

"It was nice."

"Yeah? I spent a couple of weeks in Tokyo with my cousins! It was pretty awesome."

"That's nice," I smile.

There is a moment of silence and I get the worst feeling and then he opens his mouth and-

"Have you had any time to think about what I told you?"

"Oh," I mumble, and my face heats up and I struggle to find a good answer and then Kinomoto-Sensei arrives like a Christmas miracle.

"Amamiya-san? Sagawa-kun?"

"S-Sensei!" I exhale in relief.

"Sensei," says Sagawa-kun, jumping out of his seat. "I wanted to talk to you about getting a copy of this year's play on video."

"I'm sure the school's broadcasting club has a copy of that Sagawa-kun, I'll look into it and get back to you."

Sagawa-kun bows, then turns to me expectantly. "Amamiya-san?" he says, waiting by the door.

"Oh, um…I…wanted to talk to Kinomoto-Sensei about a few things regarding the play, too."

Sagawa-kun looks at me strangely, as if to say: whatever for?

"Oh, you must be talking about the work the art club did," Kinomoto-Sensei lies smoothly. "Goodness, are you preparing for the art exhibition already?" He raises his eyebrow without a hint of falsity on his face.

"Y-yes," I say. "In fact, it's a year-round endeavour."

"Alright then," says Sagawa-kun unconvincingly. "I'll see you around. Thank you, Sensei."

"Goodbye, Sagawa-Kun."

We hold our breath as the sound of Sagawa-kun's footsteps fade down the hallway. Kinomoto-Sensei walks briskly to the door and, with a quick glance this way and that, gently slides it shut.

"Well then," he says, and I feel a little awkward standing in front of him. I have no idea what to say. _Hello? I missed you? Did you miss me? It's so good to see you? Crazy weather we're having, huh?_

Kinomoto-sensei seems to sense this and smiles tentatively.

"It's good to see you," he says. "How are you?"

"I'm very well, thank you. And yourself?"

"Not too bad, not too bad…"

More silence. I want to sink into the floor and die. What on earth was I thinking? Honestly, what was I expecting? I'm surely the biggest idiot on the planet.

He takes a single step towards me, and I lift my head and look into his eyes and I remember why I'm here and what I'm hoping for. I reach for his hand nervously and we entwine our fingers. His touch is halting and gentle.

"I missed you," I say softly.

His grip tightens. "Aa," he says. He swallows heavily, nervously, as if he can't believe what he's doing. "Nadeshiko, we can't-"

"Am I being a nuisance, Sensei?"

More silence. My heart plummets. Oh. _Oh_. I wrench my hand from his and stumble backwards. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't want…I didn't ever want…"

"Nadeshiko," he says, moving towards me, "stop. Calm down."

"I just…"

"I know, me too."

Then I _have_ to stop and look into his eyes. Is he lying? He lied so easily to Sagawa-kun, after all. And what am I doing? Kinomoto-sensei is my _teacher_. I could cost him his career; his _life_!

"I just…argh!" Kinomoto-sensei pushes his glasses out of the way and rubs his eyes wearily.

"Sensei?"

"We need to talk about this, Nadeshiko," he says finally, and I can suddenly see the difference between us – he is an adult, serious and very aware of everything, and I am so young and lost and all I can think of is myself.

"It's too risky to have this discussion in school. If someone happens to hear us, things could turn very ugly very fast."

I nod dumbly. I feel like such a child. What am I doing? Kinomoto-sensei is no longer all soft-edges and gentle smiles. He is anxious and serious and distant and I want to cry. I bite my lip as hard as I can. I will not cry. I will not, will not, will not.

"Nadeshiko?"

I can't look at him. I can't even speak.

"Oh darling," he breathes, "don't cry."

His arms are suddenly around me and his body is so warm and comforting that I can no longer hold back my tears and I blubber incoherently into his shirt. And all the while he strokes my hair and presses his lips against my head, murmuring "_shh…shh…_"

He tilts my head back and kisses my mouth and I can't help but wince in embarrassment because I probably taste like snot. Kinomoto-sensei seems to misunderstand because his mouth quirks upwards in a sort of half-smile. "That bad, huh?"

"No!" I gasp. "I'm just…so disgusting!"

He kisses me again. Soft, hot, not-quite-chaste little kisses that leave me breathless. "Silly bird," he says. "Are you ready to hear me out now?"

I nod.

"Let me know when you can get away for a while, and we'll talk things through, okay?"

I nod. "Okay."

"I'm sure you're feeling very confused right now, and that's all right. We'll figure everything out in time. But we have to talk about this…whatever this is…before we can continue. Do you agree?"

"Yes," I murmur.

"Good." He kisses me again and my legs quiver. "Do you have anything more to add?"

I shake my head. "No."

"All right then."

He kisses me with finality and tries to step back, but foolishly, boldly, I follow his body. I hold on tighter and press myself against him. He makes a strange, strangled noise in the base of his throat.

"Hello," I say. Now that the awkwardness has passed my voice is finally unstuck and everything comes out in a rush. "It's so nice to see you. Crazy weather we're having, huh? I _missed_ you."

"Silly bird," he grins, and kisses me again.


	40. Sonomi XVIII

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty Nine - Sonomi**

* * *

"Would you like some watermelon?" asks Nadeshiko, pulling a small tupperware box from her bag.

"Sure."

It's a warm day in September and we are having lunch on the roof of the science building. I wipe my sweaty forehead clean with a handkerchief and lean back against my arms.

"It's too hot," I whine.

"Have some of this. You'll feel better."

Nadeshiko hands me a pair of chopsticks and I quickly toss a couple of cubes of fruit into my mouth. Its juice is cool, sweet and delicious as it washes over my tongue. I sigh contentedly.

"This is ridiculous - it's a hundred degrees in the shade. Didn't summer technically end a week ago?"

Nadeshiko grins. "You ought to lodge a formal complaint, Sonomi." She makes of show of clearing her throat and speaks in a high-pitched, affected accent. "_To whom it may concern," _she says,_ "__I am extremely displeased with the inconsistency of your forecast this week-"_

I throw a piece of watermelon at her as viciously as the heat lets me. It hits her arms, raised in defence, and falls in to her lap. She laughs and tosses it back. For a second it feels like everything is back to normal.

"So _testy," _she teases.

_"Fnurgh," _I groan, rising only long enough to steal another piece of fruit. The clouds are murky-white and windswept as they race across the sky. I fail to conjure up an intelligent train of thought; instead I blink each eye alternately in rapid succession, so that my field of vision appears to jump back and forth. The fact that it keeps me busy for five whole minutes indicates the present state of my mental faculties.

"Ice cream later?" I ask, rolling on to my side so that I can see her face.

Her expression turns uncomfortable as she hesitates for a moment. "Ummm…" she says, her green eyes lowered nervously, hands twisting the material of her skirt, "I don't think I can come home with you today."

_What? Again? _

"Why not?"

"The…uh…art exhibition's coming up. I need to stay late so that I can finish my pieces in time for the show."

"So paint them at home."

An errant curl, free from the confines of its bobby pin, bounces lightly as she shakes her head. "I can't – not all of them, anyway. The sculpture's too heavy and I'm doing a mixed media piece with a couple of other girls from the club."

"When is it?"

"Next month."

"It's just one day, _Nacchan."_

"But I have so much to do…"

I think I know what's happening and I don't think I like it. I sit up abruptly, feeling my face contort into a scowl. Nadeshiko has been unnaturally distant these past few weeks. She never looks me in the eye anymore and doesn't open up the way she used to. She spends ages writing letters (under the pretext of homework – as if I'd fall for that) and always seems to be in a hurry, even though I know she has nothing better to do. She has found reasons to stay after school four times in the past two weeks.

She's got a boyfriend. That has to be it – though what I don't understand is why she's being so damned _secretive. _It makes me feel awful and left-out because I thought we were supposed to be best friends. I thought we were closer than best friends. I thought we were sisters. I thought we were soul-mates.

I suppose I was wrong.

The sting of rejection makes my stomach squirm as I angrily rise to my feet. "I'm going inside," I say, dusting off the back of my skirt. "You can stay out here."

It's juvenile, but my message is clear.

Nadeshiko grabs my wrist as I try to pass by, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. Her grip is hard and desperate but I can barely feel it – I'm too focused on the beating of my heart, sounding louder than usual in my ears.

"Tomorrow. I promise."

I don't speak.

"I'll speak to the girls. We can spend the whole afternoon together, and the whole weekend as well - just the two of us. Please don't be angry. This is really important to me."

I relax into her grip. Her hand is clammy against my skin. A few seconds pass before I ask, "what time will you be home?"

Another awkward pause. It lasts a beat too long and I start to feel uneasy again. "If we run late, I'll probably be back after dinner."

"Oh."

"I'll bring you back something," she says. She has still not let go of my wrist. My head starts to throb. She'd normally invite me along. Why hasn't she? Is she sick of me? Is she starting to hate me too? I feel like everything I know is a lie and I don't know what to do and the world is spinning and I feel like I'm falling and-

"Sonomi?"

I wrench my hand from her grasp, set my jaw and stalk to the door. "Don't be back too late," I say, lingering as I pass through the threshold. Then I run all the way down four flights of stairs and on to the path behind the tennis courts. I angrily kick at the mesh before I sink to the grass feeling deflated, like a discarded balloon.

* * *

"Hey."

I suppose I must have dozed off, because when I wake up the sun is in my eyes, and there is a strange boy sitting next to me. My throat is scratchy from crying and my face feels sticky in the wake of my tears; I know that I do not look particularly attractive at the moment. Nevertheless the boy looks at me curiously, as if I were something interesting he happened to find under a bench at the park.

"Wh'time izzit?" I mumble.

"It's two forty-five."

"_Ch. _Miss'd m'class."

"Oh well."

I yawn widely and notice that the grass has left imprints all along my arm. It is cooler now than it was a couple of hours ago; the breeze rustles the leaves on a nearby tree and it sounds as if it's whispering.

"Who're you?" I ask, turning over to face him.

"Mizuki."

His eyes are a lazy charcoal-grey; his expression languid as he looks over his shoulder at me. He idly brushes back his dark hair as it flutters against his temple; his shirt is un-tucked and his tie is sticking out of his trouser pocket.

"Haven't seen you before."

"I'm a first-year. Just transferred here this term."

"Ah. I'm Amamiya Sonomi."

"I know who you are."

"Oh." I don't quite know what to say to that.

"Are you hungry?"

"No, but I could use a drink."

"I know a good place."

I frown. "You mean, you want to leave the school?"

"Yeah."

I feel peculiar – I have no idea who this person is and yet I am seriously considering his offer. It's strange because he doesn't feel like a stranger; I couldn't say the same about people I've known my entire life. There is something about his easygoing confidence that appeals to me; something about the honest look in his eye and unpretentious curve of his lips.

"It's not allowed. If someone catches us we could get in trouble."

He shrugs. "You coming?" he asks, rising to his feet. He dusts off the seat of his pants, extends a hand and looks at me expectantly, eyebrows raised.

I hesitate for all of two seconds before I take his hand, hoist myself up, and follow him down the path.


	41. Nadeshiko XVIII

**At the Edge of the World**

Disclaimer: CCS is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Forty - Nadeshiko**

* * *

I change out of my uniform in a subway station bathroom. It is dingy and smells like stale urine. The cubicle is small and cramped; I stand as far away from the toilet as possible as I slip into my skirt, trying not to touch anything. I stuff my school uniform into my bag and nudge open the door before heading to the sinks, lined up against a wall on the far left. The tiles are a dirty aquamarine and my reflection in the grimy mirrors is blurry as I bend over to wash my hands, using the water to smooth my hair. I tug it out of its braid and tie it in a loose ponytail. I pull at the collar of my white blouse and sniff my chest self-consciously, wishing that I could have taken a shower. I am painfully aware that I look like a twelve-year old; what with my conservative clothes and practical mary-janes.

I am going to Kinomoto-sensei's house for the first time and am terrified beyond belief.

"Positive thoughts, Nadeshiko! Positive thoughts! _Zettai daijoubu!_"

The indistinct reflection of the girl in the mirror still looks pale and anxious. It's too late to turn back though, so will myself to be strong, turn on my heel and catch the next train to Towa.

* * *

Kinomoto-sensei lives in a small apartment building in the old, quiet centre of Towa town. It is tall and narrow and was probably once a bright red; though the elements have now weathered it down to an earthy pink. There is a bakery two doors down; the evening rush hurries in and out, carrying fresh loaves of bread in brown paper bags. The smell is delicious, comforting and makes me feel peculiarly homesick. It is lovely so I linger a while, absorbing the quiet bustle of the street. As evening falls electric shop signs flicker on, neon and fluorescent alike, their dull hum punctuated by the brisk clacking of heels on pavement as people return home from work. Venus appears in the milky twilight overhead and winks shyly at me; I take this as my cue to get moving, and finally walk up the chipped white stairs to Kinomoto-sensei's flat.

When he answers the door his hair is still damp from his evening shower, a towel slung carelessly around his shoulders. I feel a strange jolt because he is not dressed in his teaching clothes; instead he is wearing a pair of jeans and a forest-green sweater. I finally realise that _oh, he's human after all_, and feel a bit silly (because what else could he be?). My pulse begins to race.

"Ah, Nadeshiko," he says, seemingly surprised, though I know he's been expecting me. "Come in." He stands back to give me enough space to slide past; I slip off my shoes and leave them in the entrance area. I notice two suits, one brown and one navy blue, hanging from a row of hooks by the door.

His home is small and cramped; I take it in with a single glance. A darkwood table rests by the window overlooking the street, its surface completely taken up by piles of books and paper. The space beside it is occupied by three potted plants and a heavy chest. A low sofa, draped in a thick, deep blue quilt, squats comfortably opposite, flanked by two tall, overflowing bookshelves. Immediately to my right is a little kitchenette that shares its wall with a chest of drawers and what is presumably the bathroom.

Kinomoto-sensei rubs the back of his neck and smiles sheepishly; a telltale sign that I now know means he is embarrassed. I smile back tentatively.

"Ah…um…tea?"

"Yes please."

He walks in to the kitchen and turns on an electric kettle. He busies himself, opening the cupboards above the sink.

"Oolong or black?" he asks. "I think I had a sachet of chamomile, too, but…"

"Oolong, please."

"I only have tea bags left, hope you don't mind…"

"No, not at all."

The air is tense and awkward as Kinomoto-sensei leaves me standing stupidly in the doorway. _Don't be such a coward, Nade-baka_. I make my way across the room and peer curiously at the contents of his bookshelves, which heavily feature his love of history – I brush my forefinger down the spine of _The Neolithic Revolution_ and drag it along the other titles; a collection of poetry, something called _The History of the Nara_, a couple of well-thumbed cook-books; I also find a few novels - The _Lord of the Flies _and _Heart of Darkness_; I find a book of Japanese folk tales; more fat history books and a trashy romance novel with a lurid purple cover, called _The Travails of Lotta Sparks: In the Heart of the Machine_. I giggle.

"I take it you've found something amusing?" says Kinomoto-sensei, who clearly heard me.

"_A soft spot for science fiction_, huh?" I grin, waving the offending piece of literature.

He sticks his head out of the door and groans. "That's not mine."

"Sure."

"How embarrassing," he sighs, walking out of the kitchen holding two yellow mugs of steaming oolong tea.

"Is it any good, at least?"

He narrows his eyes and studies me with quiet suspicion. "It's terrible," he finally concedes.

"So you _have_ read it!"

"You will take this secret to your grave, of course."

"Perhaps," I smile sweetly, "for a price."

"And people think you're so innocent."

"I was," I quip cheekily, "until I met you."

"Well now, that's a shame."

Kinomoto-sensei's voice slips to a deeper octave. The space between us seems to have shrunk and he is close enough for me to smell the lingering scent of his shampoo. I shiver involuntarily. My heart flutters in my chest.

"Kiss me, please?"

His lips quirk to one side, revealing the dimple in his cheek. "Since you asked so nicely," he says huskily, and obliges.

I slip my arms around his neck as he bends to meet me, only half-aware that he's still holding two scalding mugs of tea. We push in to each other until it seems like we've moulded together. Everything is hot and my head is reeling and something electrifying runs through my body and my brain thinks _not close enough_ and the world is spinning around us. He pulls away for an instant and sets our mugs on the edge of the book shelf. He impatiently tosses his glasses aside before snaking his arms around my waist. We move together until the back of his knees finds the edge of the sofa and when he falls, I follow. He moans as I crawl in to his lap and straddle his thighs, and suddenly his mouth is on my throat and he is pulling my blouse from my skirt and then his hands are on my skin traveling up my back and everything is so hot that I can't help but gasp. Things have never been like this and the intensity of it all makes me feel scared and excited and I'm not sure how to react to his fingers brushing against my chest and-

"S-sensei!" I pant, "S-sensei! Stop!"

His fingers clutch tightly at my waist as he rests his forehead against my collarbone. His breathing is heavy and ragged to match my own. He squeezes his eyes shut and releases a lungful of air, warm against my skin. He pulls back to look at me and I feel my face burn. His hair is disheveled and his cheeks are flushed and he looks so lovely that I suddenly feel like kissing him all over again.

"I'm sorry," he says with a tight smile. "I got a little carried away."

"It's okay." I drop chaste kisses on to his lips and he sips at my mouth, sliding his hands from under my shirt. I slip off his lap and curl into his side, resting my head on his shoulder. My fingers intertwine hesitantly with his own as he presses a kiss to my forehead. We then quietly watch the evening darken to dusk, holding each other in the fading light.

What are we doing? What I am to him? I don't know how any of this is supposed to work. I guess I should be feeling guilty - and I am, but not by much - because I feel so content that it's difficult to imagine we're doing something wrong. I know we're doing something illegal; something no-one could possibly understand, so dooming us to secrecy and a life in the shadows. My mind whirls with all the ways this scenario could turn out - tender kisses, a white picket fence and two children on the one hand; on the other - disaster - and there are a hundred possible disastrous outcomes. Arrests. Inquiries. A ruined career. Two ruined lives. Perhaps the thing will implode; perhaps he'll grow tired of me and the distance will swell into something irreparable. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Our mingling scents are heady and comfortable. I press close against him and think about the way his eyes looked on the day we first kissed. I look up at the dim outline of his serious jaw, silhouetted in the darkness. We were supposed to talk things through (that's why I'm here, right?), but neither of us wants to bring it up. There is a time for talking, and it is not this moment. Kinomoto-sensei exhales slowly; I know we are thinking about the same thing. I squeeze his hand and he runs his thumb across my knuckles in gentle caress.

"Sensei?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you happy?"

Silence; then: "Aa."

"Me too."

And for a moment, everything is perfect.


End file.
